13y.o. son = invasion of the body snatchers?!

hello parents of teenagers: how did you deal with the changes in your teenage sons? i'm looking for your advice and wisdom on how best to deal with this new alien person who now lives in my (formerly) sweet son's body! talk about dr. jekyll, young master hyde. what is the one thing you wish you knew when your kids became teenagers? the one thing you wish you had/hadn't focused on/stressed out over? the thing(s) you're proud you did? how is your relationship now?


most of the physical changes happened last summer, one after the other: growth spurts, hair *everywhere*, voice several octaves lower, feet bigger than mine.... i look at him and feel proud and sad at the same time - proud at how handsome and tall and healthy he is, sad because i miss the sweet little boy i could easily grab and hug and kiss whenever i felt like it. now it's up to him when he wants to bestow any sign of affection on me! [you know, public embarrassment and all that <:-( ]


but that was all to be expected. it's the emotional changes that i'm more concerned about - i want to preserve our close relationship, without denying or restricting his inevitable independence from me. surely there is a way to preserve some of the closeness of our relationship, even as he grows up and away? i just don't want to lose our ability to communicate; our mutual respect; and our affectionate relationship.


he's now moodier, more touchy and sensitive about certain subjects, not as chatty/conversational before, more private about his personal life, occasionally rude, more argumentative (gee sounds familiar - all the things i did to *my* parents when i was his age...aaarrgh, karma sucks! now it's my turn to suffer). there are still flashes of the chatty, charming boy he used to be, but alas, these moments are fewer and farther between.


any advice/past experience/insights would be greatly appreciated.

My teenage son hasn't quite gotten to that stage yet but I am already dreading it! But I could start seeing changes like he is always dressed in black like he is ready to go to a funeral ANYTIME and he always closes his door sending IMs to his friends. Today, he is going to hang out with his friends in the mall and karoke with his schoolmates....


My biggest nightmare would be sexuality. I still find it hard to touch on the subject.... Anyone out there who has been thru this? Can you help me and voiceofreason?

Hi-


I'm a former High School teacher - taught 9th grade for 9 years in the US. Puberty is not fun for either parents or teachers. But I can say this - many problems that students are facing will manifest themselves in SCHOOL. And parents that are out of touch with their child and not connecting with them will also manifest in their child's behavior at school. I've seen it too many times and too far often. Watch your child's grades, see what teachers are saying about them on report cards. If you notice any significant drop or swing, that's an indication of something - sometimes not serious and just a function of puberty, but sometimes it's something else.


For those worried about sexuality, sexual experience, and sex in general, studies in the US indicate that the TIME that teens have sex is between 3:30-6:30 PM. Those are the hours after school and before parents get home. Students that generally did not have sex were those who had parents who demanded their presence at home after school, and were there after school with their child. That being said if a child really wants to have sex, it's hard stopping them (I've walked in on students in the faculty bathroom at school more than once - not a pretty sight.)


Parents are still the moral guide for their child. Schools do teach sex ed - but it's VERY biological - not emotional. Parents need to set the standards for what they consider acceptable behavior and what is not. You should have an open conversation about what you expect from your child in terms of his or her behavior. Dont' assume your child isn't sexually active - because studies show that as early as the FIFTH grade students are experimenting with "oral" sex (both boys and girls. Start an open dialogue earlier rather than later.


Our new generation of teenagers is a very spoiled and NOW generation. Currently there are a series of studies going on about the affect our "instant" society has on children. Some of backlash of having a way technologically advanced society include -


1. Instant gratification - our teens now want things NOW. Waiting, saving up, being patient for something - not in their vocabulary.


2. Need to be in touch - CONSTANTLY. You may think mobile phones are a blessing to you so that you can instantly keep in touch with your child - it is also enabling them to keep in instant touch with all their friends (good and bad) and this makes monitoring them all the more difficult. Meeting places change on the fly, times change on the fly - so what your child SAYS he is doing can quickly turn into something else. IM'ing is also a very powerful communication tool - it allows TONS of anonymity, and is a carefree medium for communication. I've had several incidents of young girls communicating online only to meet a sex offender posing as another young student. This was not a fun situation at all as a teacher to deal with.


3. Constant need for encouragement, promotion, recogntion and feedback. These days teachers often have to give 6 week reports, and in between we give informal 3 week reports to students to let them know how they are doing. Oftentimes students are shocked to learn that if they skip assignments they are suddenly failing. The rely on the earlier feedback to catch them before they seriously slip up. When I was a high schooler, I got two reports a year - semester reports...now - teachere are required to give far more frequent assessments. This can also work to your advantage as parents - what is my child achieving? Is he achieving? What do the teachers think of him? Students now need lots of praise and encouragement to keep them moving forward. "Good job on this 1 point assignment" or "I'm really proud of the fact that you turned in your homework five times in a row."


The echo boomer generation (which is what this generation is called) is the first generation of children that had active "child rearing" books, schedules, and acitivies from when they were infants. The impact is profound - this is the generation of planned parenting and where the child has come first. The end result is the most media savvy, tech savvy, intelligent and articulate generation YET with a whole slew of new parenting problems.


Keep in contact with your schools teachers - email is a tool - I was always happy to communicate with my parents to let them know how their child was doing and what they could do to support their child at home. I DID NOT appreciate accusations that I was trying to fail their child or was "unfair" as I did the best that I could. Parents need to advocate for their children and at the same time also support teachers in their attempt to help mold young minds.


It's definitely not easy being a parent to this new generation - but open dialogue, caring, and love are the foundations to having a healthy relationship with your child. Puberty is freaking your kid out too - hair everywhere, needing to shave, the pimples that appear overnight are all causes for shame and self consciousness both at school and at home.



Good luck -

wow! THANKS for the veritable tome of great advice, hkchoichoi. it takes a teacher... :-)


i absolutely agree that it is the parents' ultimate responsibility and duty to provide the child's moral guideposts. the school can do only so much - beyond academics and sports, to teach kids how to function in a group/in society - but individual character, beliefs and behavior start and end at home.


also agree that teachers are usually very appreciative and forthcoming when you take the time to email or contact them about your child, and they are a great source of info for what you don't see half the day when the kids are at school. they also like to know your child better, and value the insights you can give them. you would make sure your boss and colleagues get to know you at work, so do the same for your child at school.


michelef: if you are having a hard time broaching the subject of sex, just ask yourself this simple question. Which conversation would you rather be having with your child?

(a) You: "i'd like to share some information and thoughts with you about sex, and i know you have lots of questions about it too. it might be embarrassing at first, but trust me you'll be glad we talked about it, and i promise to always try to find for you the answers and info that i don't know myself"

OR

(b) Your child: "mom/dad, i'm pregnant

i got ______ pregnant

i'm in pain down there and i don't know why

i'm sick

i have aids..."


quite an easy choice, yes? :-) also, put it in your head already that it won't be just ONE chat about sex - it will (hopefully) be the first of many.

Ruth -


not planning on being a writer - may go for my PhD someday though - too busy raising kids now - but thanks for the compliment...


Also recommend books by Mel Levine - he will be publishing a new book about the echo boomer generation very soon.

Mel Levine and a new book?!? How yummy.


I have three teens...boys...oh boy oh boy. I do wonder what lives between their ears many days. Jello? We've had many many adventures with our oldest two boys...What I've learned and am learning is, you do your best. You teach, you show by example, you set standards...and then they go and make their own decisions (called 'free will'). Some good and some not good at all! I have learned to stand by them when they fall (with huge thuds let me tell you) and help them learn from mistakes. Better to muddle up now than later when the consequences are much greater. Parenting is truly and art form!