Posted by
cla
20 yrs ago
Hi everyone. I am professional, in her mid 30's, who drinks too much. I used to consider myself as a social drinker and someone who can handle her alcohol. Apparently, I am not and can not. Recently, I have done somethings I can't rememeber that I did and have hurt my boyfriend. He said I became touchy with men and kissed one in front of him. I had a blackout and until he told me what had happened the next morning, I had no idea and recollection of such intolerable behaviour. I have finally, after having denied and avoided dealing with this issue of alcoholism, that I have turned to AA for help.
Naive as it might sound, after spending time evaluating my current situation and my relationship with my boyfriend, I realized that if this has happened to him instead of myself, I would have stood by his side, to help and overcome this obstacle together.
I have told him and apologized repeatedly about the fact that I am unaware of my behavior that night and I understand it is difficult for him to believe me.
For once, I have taken charge and wanted to get well. But in the back of my mind, I still have this wish that my boyfriend will see beyond the hurt I have caused him and will understand that I am in need of professional help and what i did was not meant to hurt him.
We still stay in contact and I am not sure and pretty ashamed and unclear if I should continue to do so or should I come to terms that I should face this without him.
It is difficult to find someone who is nonjudgmental and have an open heart to disucss this and I thank all of you in advance in sharing your views with me.
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Hi cla,
was this blackout an isolated incident, or has it become a recurring theme on your nights out?
Ask this as wondering if someone may have doctored yr drink, hence your lack of recall, or just a wild night out??
If your BF knew this was an isolated incident , then he perhaps is over reacting a bit.
If not an isolated incident, & you are now seeking help, good on you, & yes he should be being a bit more supportive towards you.
I see it as 2 separate issues...drinking, is it a problem for you or for someone else..
& the other problem of being left stranded when you are in need of support.
Sounds like it was only the one incident...surely you should be forgiven, & not made to feel like a continual lush.
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear kiwozzie
Thank you for your reply.
The blackouts have been recurring and my boyfriend, maybe I should say, my ex, has stated his discomfort about my drinking in the past.
I am frightened when I think of the things I might have done without remembering and I have finally gathered enough courage to tell and admit to myself that IT is something I should address immediately.
Imagining the damage done, I dare not venture into that territory of thinking he would want to be a part of my healing process. But then again, if you love someone, would it not be normal to share ones joys and sorrows?
I am confused and at this point, scared to find out how he is thinking and maybe, I should just concentrate in getting better.
Thank you for your post and it is comforting to see different views on what has been bothering me, in a big way.
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I agree with Kiwozzie, you should be forgiven, specially it seems like it was only a one-off (He would have told you about the other times, if there were, I suppose).
It's very good of you to want to get better and you are very brave for having contacted AA, some people unfortunately never do.
If you are scared about what he is thinking, maybe you should go to your AA meetings, give both yourself and him some time (you to get better, and him to calm down) then get in touch with him and maybe tell him of your progress and reiterate that you are sorry and that you are doing something about it, and would appreciate his support.
Anyway, wanting to get better is the first (and most difficult) step. You are doing the right thing.
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Totally agree with Redorange, also yr BF may/may not be aware of Al-Anon, which is support targeted at family members/loved ones of the person seeking help.
Yes cla, you are being very brave & good work honey for wanting to fix the problem.
If he sticks by you, then wonderful, if not, there will be someone out there who will!
Maybe he has had a scare, & this is his way of coping with your illness, & as Redorange says, he may just come good.
If you do have a drinking problem, get that sorted first...then see where yr BF stands...
Very good luck
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear Redorange
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
I do believe getting well is the best thing I can do for myself and to those who love and support me.
Running away and making excuses can be so easy and to make a difference, calling AA and reaching out for help is really the best thing I can imagine doing.
He told me I had a choice the other night and to be very honest, I don't want and can't believe I did. He also said it has opened a can of worms as he is now doubting if this has ever happened in his absence.
There is a lot of issue on trust at the moment and he is upfront in saying it is hard to believe me when I say anything to him.
I am torn and wish we can get through this but however, I don't think he wants to be a part of this.
It is sad that this relationship had to come to such an abrupt end and sad as it might be, I hope I can come out a winner and overcome my problem. Maybe then, we will be able to put this behind us or maybe not....
Again, my thanks to you for your kind words.
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Cla - good for you! Taking that first step and getting help is the hardest. Keep going to the meetings and don't be afraid to ask for help.
It is sad that your relationship has ended because of this but perhaps it is a blessing. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you. It sounds as if he is hurt and needs time to gain perspective on the situation. Instead focus on yourself and getting better.
Good luck.
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear All
Many thanks for sharing with me your views on my situation and your kind encouragement on my decision to get well. It is very warm to see that you are taking time out of your schedules to care for a stranger in need of different views.
It is a wonderful feeling to have you all and I thank you for being so honest about your opinions.
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear Casey
I think he does need his time to heal and whether he chooses to be a part of this healing process, I will leave it up to him to decide and don't feel comfortable nor confident in asking him to go through this with me. I would be happy if he chooses to do so yet I feel it ultimately should be his decision. We have both worked very hard towards this relationship and I utterly feel very sad in ruining it, consciously by not curbing my drinking problem then and then, not recalling the damage I have done.
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cla
20 yrs ago
dear tuttifrutti
what you have said is the truth and it's important for me to come to terms that by stopping drinking is not, in anyway, a means to get my boyfriend back. It is very hard to accept this bit of reality and ultimately, i will also have to work very hard in not letting thoughts of my boyfriend cloud or confuse what it is I have to do most.
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear all
I attended my real first AA meeting yesterday and found despite everyone's experiences, the ultimate goal for everyone is to get well and provide support to fellow members.
Having said so, I will continue to attend the meetings and with my family's support, I will work hard in dealing with my problem.
I had a talk with my family and they didn't and never thought my problem to be so serious. I gather this as I previously downplayed the seriousness as a heavy night out to town.
It has given me great courage now and with regards to my ex, we have msned last night and he seemed curious with the meetings and the kind of people that would attend. I guess it is sometimes hard to imagine and understand that it takes a lot for someone to admit to a problem and to face it head on. Our conversations have remained on this topic and a bit about his work. I think we have both made a conscious effort to steer away from more personal comments. I suppose this would probably be for the best for the both of us, at least for now, as I can not seem to imagine facing him.
Anyways, again, my thanks for your support and time to reply to my post.
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hi cla - congratulations on taking that first courageous step and admitting you have a problem. wishing you every success in The Program.
regarding your ex: this is the perfect time for you to be on your own, focusing on yourself. in fact, i believe that most 12-step programs strongly recommend not getting involved in a relationship during the first year of recovery. so you're doing the absolute right thing. it's all about you and your recovery. :-)
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That is such a positive step cla..congrats & wish you success!
voiceofreason, you have great advice..love your posts.
All the best cla...if you want to pls let us know how you are doing..good luck
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cla
20 yrs ago
dear all
today will be my 5th meeting and i am committed in continuing my resolve to get well.
i have had no craving for any alcohol but saying so, i am not going to be overly confident in saying i am alright.
for me, it is a day at a time.
looking back, since the high school days and till the very last week, i do not remember not having a drink within a week, whether if it is over happy hour after work or a night out to town. i am approaching my first week of soberiety and am both exciting and worried about completing it. yet, i know somehow, i will not succumb to any one drink.
as for my ex, we have still kept in touch and there is still a lot of care and anger from him. understandably so, i think it is probably best if i let him do the contacting instead of taking the initiative myself. not saying i dont care about him which is furthest from the truth but it is a fear of upsetting him further that is behind my decision.
he said it's fate for this to have happened and does not know what the future holds for us. again, time and what i am doing to help myself will be the best medicine for the both of us.
thank you all for your posts and hope you are all well.
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Well done Cla, I admire your determination and lucidity in dealing with it all!
Have a good weekend.
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cla
20 yrs ago
thank you redorange
i am looking forward to my first week of sobriety. it will be a milestone for me and i hope the first of many more to come.
have a great weekend.
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cla
20 yrs ago
dear all
it has now been 15 days and i am happy to share with you that i have been living sober and enjoying the alcohol free way of life. to me, i no longer have to worry about the blackouts and the discomforts of a hangover in the morning and is truly a liberating feeling.
i will also start work soon and am grateful for my family, my friends and those of you who have taken the time to respond to my post.
as for my x, we still sms each other and his moods fluctuates daily. i do still hope we can work this out, in time...
will come back to update you all and i hope you had a wonderful and restful weekend.
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happy 15th day of sobriety!
don't think too much about your ex at the moment. this is all about you for now. just stick him in a little box somewhere in the back of your mind and focus on your recovery.
well done cla. :-)
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cla
20 yrs ago
your advice is most true and thank you.
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Well done Cla, 2 weeks! Great, I am happy to hear that you are doing very well.
Have an excellent productive week - I'll try the same here :-)
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Hi cla...how are you doing?? Hope all went well for you this past week!
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cla
20 yrs ago
hi kiwozzie
thank you for your post.
i am today on my 23rd day of sobriety and have been attending meetings everyday. the past week has been relatively calm and i am loving this new way of living.
i have met my ex yesterday and we basically spoke mainly on work and not too personal. that, we shall see but again, it is so nice to hear from you.
wishing you a wonderful week ahead for you.
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@@
20 yrs ago
Good for you Cla, great to hear you are finding each day a positive way to live, you're doing so well. :)
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in another week you will have accomplished a whole month of sobriety - that's fantastic! :-) i think you get a token or a coin (a medal?) for that - may it be the first of many milestones for you.
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Cla,
I am happy to hear from you and also that I was not the only one wondering how you were doing after a week of not hearing from you.
Excellent, keep it up, and again I admire you for the way you are dealing with things, it is very refreshing to see someone who wants to deal (positively) with a situation.
Have a great week.
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cla
20 yrs ago
thank you all for your posts!!!
i am very glad that i have shared with you my worries and now, better news.
your words of encouragement mean so much to me and i will try to keep up the good work!
many thanks again to you all!!!
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Dear Cla, Well done! Have not talked to you before as I was too deep into my own trauma.
Have to say that your boyfriend was the catalyst for your getting help, if you look at the whole picture. Sometimes, people come into our lives to help us to get back to our true selves. It may not seem so at the time but you will see in the future.
Blackouts are the most horrible things. I had one once. Don't ever go back there. Keep up the good work with the help of your friends. Someone will come along who respects your strength - the will power and strength of mind that you have now. Then, you can base your relationship on mutual respect.
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear Susan45988
thank you for your post!
today, i have 36 days of sobriety and am determined to continue this new living i am now enjoying.
i agree with you with role of my ex boyfriend and am truly grateful for having him enter my life. he means a lot to me still, even though we are not together and being able to where we were at before. we still have some communication and everyday, i pray and wish him well....
blackouts and all the fear and other feelings that come with drinking are the things i will keep out of my life and i constantly remind myself what it was to made me want to take charge of my life and also the loss of my love one that i am responsible of and am dealing with, everyday.
I believe this is the best thing that i have done for my loved ones and myself and again, i am very grateful for the support i receive from you and the other wonderful ladies on this forum.
cla
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congratulations again! now you've got more than one month of sobriety under your belt. :-)
just so you know that it's entirely possible to feel this authentic and healthy for the rest of your life: someone close to me is celebrating his 22nd YEAR of sobriety this year. some months ago another family friend celebrated his 25th year. their "sobriety birthdays" are as important as their real ones, and are commemorated with as much (if not more) joy.
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Hi cla!
Just a hi to see how you were & congratulate you ...well done that strong woman!
Loved VOR post too..so supportive!
Keep going cla! all the best xx
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear all
Many thanks for coming back to my post and for all the encouragement!
I am now celebrating my 42nd day of sobriety and I did receive a chip for my first 30 days. This I carry with me everyday, to remind me of my committment and the decision to stay on this path.
Physically, I do feel better and have had friends which I havent seen in a long time make positive comments on they way I look and the calmness that accompanies me.
Am truly grateful for the good things that I have chosen to pursue and this time around, I have not pushed for what I used to want, but to take things in life a bit easier.
An example will be how I would react and want answers from my ex. Without this conviction and the support and teachings of AA, I would have pushed for an answer from him. Instead, I have decided to give my ex the time he needs to sort his feelings out or simply to let him be.
We have not stayed in touch for the past 5 days and I am learning to let go.... letting go in allowing me to accept the situation and not to force him to do or say things on my schedule.
I am learning everyday along the way to change and become a better person. To grow and to accept instead of to fight and to resist.
I do feel a change happening inside of me yet I am not too sure how to relate this feeling to you. Maybe in time, I will understand this more.
Again, my most sincere thanks and wishing you all a wonderful weekend.
Cla
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Well done Cla,
Sorry have been quiet for a while, was not here and now that I am back, I am happy for your progress, and specially the fact that you are very strong and learning to let go! Bravo!
Have a great week!
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Cla,
Congrats on your ongoing recovery and committment to recovery, fantastic. You sound great. by staying sober, going to meetings, working the steps with your sponsor you can live a life you never dreamed of living. It is truely an amazing journey! Well done.
And so great you got the support you needed in this forum, the sisterhood of women is so strong all over the world.
Black outs are not normal, despite what a lot of women have been told by doctors. One woman told me the other day that her doctor told her blackouts were related to hormones and when her cycle was due that was when she would probably have more. How misinformed they are.
Blackouts are a sign of an alcoholic, they are not normal and if we keep on drinking once we've had one, they will just keep on coming until we get to the point where we only have to have one or two drinks and then we are in blackout. But the night goes on and the drinker keeps drinking until she falls down. The next day, she wants to chew off her arm full of guilt and remorse. Horrible sad way to live, but there is hope and you Cla have found it.
You have found something great that works for you and works for millions of women and men all over the world.
Keep on coming back.
(I'm based in Shanghai)
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cla
20 yrs ago
Dear Chinadebs
Thanks for your posts.
I am very grateful for all the encouragement I have received and feel very fortunate for all your support.
It is now 47 days and I feel a whole lot better living a different life.
You are right with blackouts.
They happen more often to women and since having refrained from drinking, I have noticed that one of my close friends are showing signs of alcoholism. She is pretty gone most nights when she is out (heard from other friends as I have pretty much stopped going out altogether.)
I know the horrors and fears that come with blackout and surely do not want any one to have to go throught them. However, the most I can do, for the moment, is to share with her what I have gone through and hope to give her a chance to reflect and see if she sees a problem with her drinking.
Abstinence is the only way for me and again, this is my best medicine and I am committed in living this new life with faith.
My most sincere thanks for your kind words.
Cla
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