Posted by
hkchoichoi
20 yrs ago
I thought this could be a beneficial thread - since I know many people are expecting their 2nd child and have a young 1st child already. I'm hitting the wall - it's been a month since I had my #2, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My #1 is prone to more temper tantrums (but I have found that time outs are VERY effective at calming her down) and the overall craziness of it all is wearing me thin.
I'm looking for people to add their tips of how to deal with two young children - what has worked for them.
Currently - my main struggle is the end of the evening when it's meals, breastfeeding, baths, and getting the toddler and the baby into bed. I've staggered the times so I spend some QT with my older before her bedtime - but she gets FREAKED when I breastfeed and she wants my attention. She's also a handful after her bath as it's her preference to run through the house like a streaker and not put on her clothes - but at the same time. She does love her one on one time with me at the end of the evening, and goes to bed.
Any ideas? General, specific or otherwise!
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If you haven't already, remove all the artificial colourings, preservatives and flavourings from number one's diet. That is a start.
I remember feeling that the jump from 1 -2 babies was quadruple the work - not just double. it is all downhill sailing after this....(not)
It has been a while since I was in this situation but you find some help on this website http://www.babycenter.com/dilemma/baby/babycare/newparents/1374774.html
What is wrong with running through the house like a streaker after bath time - make this a fun time too...if you get stressed about this she will see that as a button to push for your attention.
Could you make bathtime for baby a different part of the day instead of at night - to eliminate one extra thing at that time of the day and when baby is old enough - then have them bath together at night - can they bathe togther now? Are there other things that can be moved to a different part of the day with baby?
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It's hard when you're breastfeeding as a newborn requires just so much feeding, I used to read to the toddler whilst breastfeeding the baby, baby feeding on one side, toddler being read to / cuddled on the other, gettting involved in the book, he would almost 'forget' about the baby guzzling on the other side, incidentally, now they both love books, can sit for ages with a book, and are calmed anf comforted by books. Good luck hkchoichoi, I think it starts getting easier when the baby can eat a little solid food, and later on you will reap the benefits of them being so close in age, as it won't be long before they play together etc..
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Thanks for all the tips!
Normally I would allow all the streaking through the house naked - except right now #1 has a pretty nasty cold and is leaking through her nose...I sort of feel as if she needs to be warm - but this may just be my overprotective nature.
Dad can't help with kids on weekdays - his schedule is long and demanding - sometimes he doesn't come home until way after 9:00 PM - and we both prefer the kids on a regular routine, rather than having it constantly disrupted waiting for Daddy. So he's not much help in the bath department - he is great on the weekends however.
My elder does love books - but I haven't figured out how to get her to sit down next to me and want to read when I'm breastfeeding - right when I start breastfeeding, #1 usually wants to ride around on her trike-climb up on a table or do something that requires me to sit up and grab her...
I'm glad it does get easier. Thankfully I had a decent nights rest last night - #2 only up twice after I hit the sack - which was amazingly refreshing to get several hours of straight rest! We'll see if I can't incorporate some of the tips tonight!
Ruth - read the book Siblings without Rivalry already - helpful, but more for when the kids are a bit older and screaming at each other instead of at me!
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I have 2 kids 18 month apart from each other. Must agree that the first couple of months were tough not just on me but my older child. She became from a sweet little angel to a big monster overnight. The adjustment period took about a month before she realised this baby was here to stay. When I breastfed, no.1 would hang around my neck and jump about. Then there were times when she would refuse for me to carry the newborn. 1-on-1 time is very important just to make sure that the attention is suddenly lost to the newborn.I would have baths with her alone and read lots of books together before bedtime. So at least she knows she isn't just being shoved aside because bad behaviour = seeking more attention! Ignorance is sometimes the way to go then at least they know that by throwing a tantrum, they will get nothing out of it. Good luck!
Tisha
www.joeysafe.lenoirphoto.com
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hkchoichoi, you always seem to be an incredibly sensible and dedicated mum, so when you talk of the challenges of 2 under 2, it's got to be because the situation is a handful, there's no way around it.
I've re-read Penelope Leach's thoughts on coping and easing the adjustment of a sibling (we're in the middle of adopting, so getting ready), I'm sure you have too. I find her perspective so on-point.
Penelope says it is very important for the Toddler to be taught that the baby will never be neglected, even for her. However much Emily may want you to put her first, it would be terrifying to her if you did. For if you ignored Isabella's cries for her, how could she be certain that nothing would make you ignore her distress?
Obviously reading all of Penelope is better than one quote of something you're probably already doing anyway :-)
One thing I remember Gina saying though (I'm pretty sure it was her "From Contented Baby to Confident Toddler") is that when both children want you, the Toddler will remember if it was you who responded, the baby won't. Of course that assumes that either your hubby or helper can respond to (or bathe or whatnot) Isabella.
Sorry I can't offer experience, just a good home library. Do share what's working for you though, we'll be in there in the next several months....
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Hi,
I remember you Hkchoichoi because our kids are exactly the same age. I too stick to Gina Ford's routine with number 2 ( except a few adjustments here and there), and it works like a charm, he is such a contented little baby and it makes my life so much easier.
It must be hard juggling 2 without help, but what I would try is to allow #1 to watch the telly sitting besides you while you are breastfeeding baby at 5:00 (I give baby a full breast plus 2 onces expressed in the morning, that way he is pretty content and can last a while before going to bed). If she is not allowed to watch dvd's (mine only watches for 30-45 minutes after her bath and before dinner), you could try to sit her with books/drawing material/playdoo on her high-chair, this is the only solution I found to prevent my #1 from jumping around, throwing things on the floor, climbing furniture, well, acting like she is MAD.
After burping #2, he/she can play in her playgym while you are bathing #1. I would give her a speedy bath and then let he play while you are bathing #2 (my #1 behaves the worst when I am sitting on the sofa feeding #2, when nobody is watching her behaving mad, she is usually pretty calm). If she is not calm, have you tried to ask her to give her doll a bath while you are bathing baby? In this case, I would put her jammies on afterwards...
Without my helper, i would prepare the dinner of #1 during their nap so that I only need to reheat it. Baby might be ok to sit in his/her chair besides you while you are feeding #1 dinner. My #1 goes to bed very easily because she is so tired after a long day playing and she has a very well established routine. Hopefully yours does too; this way you could put her in bed promptly and then give #2 the second breast and tuck him/her in bed.
Hope it helps a bit. It is so hard, even with a helper because I want to do as much as possible with both my children and I am so reluctant to "share' them with anyone.
Linece
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Mdm Butterfly, My thoughts and Linece -
thanks for all the support and advice. i'm using Gina's schedules on #1 and #2, and have read Penelope Leach (love her down to earth advice as well)
Linece - are you putting #2 to bed after #1? I don't think I can do that - although it sounds ideal to have that quiet time with just the newborn. My #1 goes to school - and they give her a nap pretty late - until almost 3:30 - which is an hour off of her normal time - and so Emily is no where ready to sleep at 7:00 - my newborn is ready to sleep at 6:30-6:40 though. Emily does into her room by 7:30 and is usually asleep by 8:00 with no assistance from me...so by 7:30 - my time is my own...
It's been five weeks now - i'm getting some sanity, and this weekend has been nice with Dad helping out a lot - waking up early, playing with Emily and just giving me a chance to play with Isabella. But i'm dreading the start of the week with the chaos. Emily doesn't like TV unfortunately - I would LOVE it if she would. She prefers jumping on me or the newborn...
i'm cooking my meals during the afternoon nap - and having it ready just like you Linece. Except I'm also cooking the adult meal at that time too!
I do find myself ignoring the cries of Isabella when Emily cries - because it's easier to appease Emily sometimes. But I am making a point of saying "It's time for Isabella's food - so you have to wait" which usually sets Emily into a tantrum, and then a time out. I think the time outs are really good - it calms Emily down, gives me a few minutes to feed Isabella, and by the time Emily gets off (it lasts all of 2-5 minutes) she is calm and more reasonable.
The doll in the bath is a great idea!! She has this super fancy doll electronic and stuff- i think i just need to get her a plastic hard doll she can wash...
My thoughts - excited for you for your adoption!! Where is your baby coming from? When will you get to hold him/her? Thanks for saying that i'm a sensitive mother - sometimes I feel like pulling out my hair - in a not so sensitive manner.
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Hi Hkchoichoi,
My #2 is usually very tired by 6:40ish and iam lucky to have a helper who feeds #1 while I am putting #2 in bed after feeding him the second breast. Dad is never around to help at night and this w-e he is away again.
Since the birth of #2, #1 has been refusing to nap every second day on average; and by late afternoon she is super-tired (and a handful, to say the least); I have put her to bed a few times before #2 but she usually goes to bed at around 7:15 after I put #2 in bed first.
#1 loves her telly time. I only allow her to watch dvd's (no tv) and she enjoys watching High 5 and the animal videos of Baby Einstein (baby Noah, neighbourhood animals). She only watches for 10 minute and then asks to change the dvd.
I also have a pile of books in the bookshelves in the living room she can only read while supervised (these are nice books and i do not want her to tear them apart). She loves reading these with me when I am doing the other feeds.
One is called "Children just like me" in the UNICEF collection; it is an awesome book because it features endless pictures of children and items from their daily lives to look at and comment on. The picture books of animals are a hot too (the grown-up books with nice pictures).
She also has several "quiet time" games, such as jigsaws, dominos, etc...and i hope some day she will just sit quietly and play while I am feeding but so far it has not happened...
Bath time:
I found a very cheap plastic doll at Toys R us, it comes with a robe and a towel and is especially designed for bath time. It is perfect for her. A good advice from my mother-in-law...
God luck,
Lincce
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You are sweet hkchoichio, we're looking forward to being matched too, should be sometime over the summer. We're adopting in HK, so most likely a chinese baby but could also be a mix or some other (probably) asian nationality.
Have you thought about carrying #2 in a sling? Not very Gina-like, but it is supposed to be settling for baby. Our situation will be different than yours as with adoption one needs to be very mindful of developing attachment. A lot of physical touch is supposed to be really really beneficial--but I wonder how our #1 would take to #2 (the intrusion) always being there. I was thinking of getting/making a sling for her doll...maybe being able to imitate would make it tolerable, or even fun.
Linece is obviously much more helpful :-)
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Hi Mythoughts, I have a couple of slings I bought when i was in Tokyo. My #1 hated being carried in them, and I have not tried it with #2 (no use because he is such a contented baby so far, fingers crossed).
If you are interested I would gladly send them to you (for free of course).
Linece.
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hmmm- all of our kids must be busy taking naps (both of mine are) or hubbies are doing a good job with them since we are all writing around the same time. Thanks for all the advice -
really close friends of mine had their own baby 1st and then adopted a #2. I think they've done a wonderful job raising their #2 in conjunction with #1. I remember her walking around a lot holding the baby, but she went back to work within 6 weeks of receiving the baby - and put the baby in a small daycare (an elder woman took care of her baby and four others.) Perhaps after 6 weeks of bonding you can gradually detach your infant and stuff- I have no experience in this area...did I remember reading that you may try to relactate? i'm so curious about this process of women being able to lactate without having given birth. Supposedly men can do it too - I keep telling my husband if he wants to feel closer, he could try - especially since he's eating all the Korean confinement lactation food with me ANYWAYS...but he wasn't interested.
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Hi Hkchoichoi,
What food is it? My part-time helper in Tokyo used to make me some clams and ginger soup, delicious but I never got around to ask her for the recipee unfortunately.
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Hi Linece -
seaweed soup - I eat it four meals a day - it's also what you eat on your birthday in Korea - but I've always disliked it and having it postpartum twice - only makes me dislike it more!!!
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Linece, I would love your sling(s), really kind of you to offer. And I'm happy to pay for them too. You're in HK? Should be easy enough to connect conveniently.
Oh HKchoichoi, I'm still laughing, wait while I wipe my eye...amazing what the breast/body can do though, isn't it? Of course there's no collostrum (only material for a real newborn anyway), but regular milk production develops with stimulation apparently....and the nutritional and immune advantages are so good. Hopefully baby will cooperate, we'll see.
Hey, do you honestly think the seaweed (yuck) soup is helpful (for milk production)? I wonder if it's along the lines of the Chinese fish and papaya soup for new mothers...hadn't even thought of trying for some dietary advantage.
Sorry to get so off point here...hopefully someone will get back to some more tips for 2 under 2!
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Linece, would love your sling(s), really kind of you to offer. And I'm happy to pay for them too. You're in HK? Should be easy enough to connect conveniently.
Oh HKchoichoi, I'm still laughing, wait while I wipe my eye...amazing what the breast/body can do though, isn't it? Of course there's no collostrum (only matters for a newborn anyway), but regular milk production develops with stimulation, apparently....and the nutritional and immune advantages are so good. Hopefully baby will cooperate, we'll see. A few years ago I would have thought it all too wierd for words, and now I've read everything I can get my hands on...how one's perspective can change...
Hey, do you honestly think the seaweed soup (yuck) is helpful for milk production? I wonder if it's along the lines of the Chinese fish and papaya soup for new mothers...haven't thought about trying for some dietary advantage.
Sorry to get so off point here...hopefully someone will get back to some more tips for 2 under 2!
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The seaweed soup is high in iodine - which is supposed to help milk production. A lot of the mother's milk tea contents have herbs with iodine in it - Iodine also helps contract the uterus after labor, so I guess it is helpful. I don't know - western women dont' have any specific dietary foods and they seem to lactate fine - my father says it's all nonsense - but I don't know. I eat it every day - and I have a lot of milk. Koreans believe that liquids and the consumption of lots of soups is key - they also have this pigs feet soup - haven't had it. You're supposed to eat that if you're having problems with enough milk.
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crj
19 yrs ago
I want to call up this old thread...
Our #1 wil be just 15 months when #2 is born.
I am lucky to have help, but my husband will be away most of the time the first 6 months, except the first two weeks and most weekends he will be back in HK.
The advice I have had thus far is:
1. Keep #1 on the same schedule they are on now.
2. Set aside the same special time each day with #1, so they know they will see you at these times.
3. Try, once #2 is starting a schedule, to integrat the schedules in some way.
4. Try to get #1 involved with helping with #2
5. Respond to #1 first, as they are more aware, while #2 doesn't know any better yet.
6. When #2 starts sleeping through the night, have them share a room.
BUT DOES ANY OF THIS WORK?
How do you stay calm?
How do you give #1 attention those first 6 weeks that are so completely exhausting?
When does #1 forget that life existed before #2 (ie does not remember being an only child - I have heard 2-3 months is this true?)
When does it get better?
Any other words of wisdom or comments?
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wow - when I look back - I was a complete wreck for the first six months. The first two months were particularly hard. #1 was a bear and #2 was forced to be sweet just because #1 was such a bear. I still actually have the thoughts that closer in age, as yours will be, will somehow be easier, because #1 will not be so in the difficult stage as of yet. SO demanding attention, wanting your focus and having temper tantrums wont' happen quite yet. They say children are more aware of others when they are closer to 2 years, so maybe your #1 won't notice? HAHAH. (fat chance.)
The funny thing is that my #1 learned to breastfeed her own baby after I continued breastfeeding for a while. so children truly imitate what you do.
It definitely took my #1 about 2 months to get used to the idea of #2, and then at 3 months post, she was pretty good with #2. I do think sleeping together helped (I wrote about this in another post) because I think subconciously #1 was feeling insecure that I was doing something with #2 behind her back. HAHAH. So when they slept together they were able to see each other in the morning. It helped tremendously.
I lost my temper a lot the first 3 months. I would give #1 a timeout for some insane behavior, take #2 into the bedroom and lie on the bed and scream into the pillow. And throw the pillow and punch the pillow. You can't stay calm all the time but you can try not to take it out on the babies.
GOod luck...I'm sure you're going to get lots more advice....
p.s. my kids started bathing together too - that was fun. One in the tigex bath seat - the other sitting down. #1 would help wash #2's feet and hands - this happened at around 4 months.
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:-))
19 yrs ago
You may find the newborn stage less exhausting this time. You will be more relaxed and know what you are doing, so feel less stressed. And many second babies are easier in response to this. With my first baby, I remember pacing the floor in the middle of the night time after time... #2 knew how to sleep at night from day 2. She still woke up but would usually feed and go back to sleep quickly. So you might not get the nightmare you appear to be expecting.
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