22 Month Old - Temper Temper

I just want some reassurance that my 22 month old daughter is normal. I've been reading online, books, from Penelope Leach, Dr. Sears, and James Dobson - all assure me that massive temper tantrums are the norm for toddlers my daughters age.


But I've never really SEEN kids have temper tantrums the way mine does - one minute she is fine, the next minute it's screeching at the top of her lungs. All the books say ignore, don't give in, remain calm, don't get angry, and i'm doing all of that. But the tantrums continue and seem to be escalating. (or I am just getting more tired of them.)


Anyone else hitting the wall with the tantrums? EVERYTHING is a chore - cutting nails (school requirement), washing hair, taking a bath, eating meals, putting on socks, bedtime - I'm gentle, trying to make it fun, letting her take her time, trying all the methods the books and experts suggest - but without warning - SCREECH!!! it's a scream at the top of her lungs and a raging fit.

yes hkchoichoi, it is normal. Hang in there. continue to do what you are doing! It will get better. I think it's really important to ignore and not give in. Over time they realize it's not working and it will stop. I used to walk into another room and stay there, of course making sure my son won't hurt himself where he was. He would finally stop crying and come to me for a hug and reassurance. It will pass. Good luck

I agree, dont give in. When my son has a tantrum, I ignore him completely. It usually works and within a few minutes he will calm down.

It all sounds so familiar. When mine was that age, she wouldn't let me flush her pee. If I accidentally flushed it, she would scream and asked for water as she believed that as soon as she drank it, it would come out as pee. She would tell everyone "go away" in a very rude way. There are so many examples. At one point, I spoke to the Dr. and wanted to get her examined. For some reason, I never got to it and guess what, she grew out of it. So hkchoichoi, she will be over it. In the meamtime, I know it is hard.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I continued my tactics, and I saw a marked improvement. as for MC's story about her daughter's pee - that's hysterical! (and so difficult at the same time.) i'm glad my daughter is normal - but man - this stage is not pleasant at all. My mother claims I did not behave this way at all - my mother in law also claims her son did not as well...so where does it all come from?

Didn't you recently have baby #2? I'm sure that's part of it as well. I think you just have to have the attitude that "this stage, too, will pass". Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

MC, your daughter sounds like my 3 year old. She'll get so frustrated if she doesn't get to do things by herself. Flushing the toilet is also one of them (ok, mummy's hands just work automatically sometimes!) and closing the door is another. She gets so angry when I do things without consulting her and it drives me crazy sometimes. From a calm happy child we end up leaving with her sometimes on the floor screaming. I usually ignore her and if it gets worse, I tell her I will leave her in the "naughty room". That usually calmes her down a bit and after a few minutes of reflection she will eventually get round to moving on.


Yes...what a pain!! So I guess all our tolerence levels need to be extremely high!


Tisha

My daughter also went through this phase from 24 months to 30 mths.... suddenly, this month, she matured alot, and learning to LISTEN to me! She seems LESS hyper, and more mature, and less tantrums. I hope this phase will last and last... but one thing I did change 1 month ago was her formula. I put her on this PEDIASURE formula b/c she was so underweight. Then I was always wondering if she was ADHD or just simply hyper..... the formula 's first ingredient is sucrose... I wanted to stop it and try another formula. It seems now that she's on Wyeth.... she's alot calmer, and more like a reasonable toddler!

I think sugar is definitely a culprit in toddler's tantrums. Look in lessening sugars, including juices, formulas, snacks....etc. And, if it's not, it is JUST a phase... it will pass! Hang in there!

Sugar in the diet and frustration in her life?! I hate to tell you, but many girls also seem to go through this again at around age 10 . . . and around 14 (and maybe I have another one who is doing this at 19!?). My theory is that they want so badly to be independent and yet they still need us, and this tension between the need and the want makes them frustrated and angry, too! (Can't live with mom, but can't live without her?!) I can offer a small solution for your two year old that I used really more for my own sanity, so that I didn't get caught up in her emotions and become a "raving maniac" myself. That is, when my oldest would have a temper fit, I would put her in her room with the door open. The rule was, that she could come out at any time, but here's the catch: she was not allowed to come out until she could treat the rest of the family with "kindness and respect." In other words, she understood that she 100% held the key to her own prison. It might take two minutes or two hours, (or, I even threatened, "two days" but it never came to that), but she was not allowed to come out until she could be polite to the rest of the family.

(She was not a head basher and never did anything to injure herself, so I didn't have to worry about that.) I learned that sometimes she was just tired and overstimulated, she might decide to stay in her room and quietly read a book or take a little nap. I also learned that during the afternoon we both needed "quiet time" even after she no longer needed a sleep-nap, and so I learned just to put her in her room for awhile as a routine. Often now when I see a child having a temper fit, the same child will appear to me to be overstimulated or tired and simply in need of a bit of a rest.

SO happy to see all the comments - letting me know my daughter is not completely off her rocker.


I think the no sugar is really important. I don't give anything with refined sugar to my daughter, no juice, only korean boiled grain teas for drink or water - but I DID realize yesterday she had a nasty cold that went on for an extended period of time. With a newborn in the house, I just gave her some OTC medicines to handle the symptoms- which she LOVED (because of the sweetness I think)!!! I honestly think she became a bit "addicted" to the medicines, because I now I realize the day I took her off the medicine her tantrums were the craziest. They've definitely lessened as each day has passed and her night time sleep has gotten better. The first day I took her off, she woke up screaming for the medicine - much in the same way I imagine a drug addict in rehab asking for his next hit! It was scary...


Has anyone else had a similar experience with medicine?

Scary, that reaction to the medicine...I wonder if your doctor has had similar experience with the one you used? Sounds like one for the bin, but maybe you want to try and find out which ingredient(s) is/are problematic...


Back to the tantrum question, have you read anything by T. Barry Brazelton? He's written a lot on tantrums/discipline and I think I draw from his insights and suggestions more than the others. It's hard to know though, and sometime I wonder if effectiveness has as much to do with the parent and child temperment "fit" as anything else.


I'll try to summarize some of the things that have been helpful for us, but you know what that's like, the original is always better.


Anyway:


- I try as much as possible to give my daughter a "heads up" about what's next, so she can get mentally prepared. e.g. "OK, after breakfast we're going to cut your fingernails and then get dressed to go to school" And then, "now that breakfast is over, what's next? Right, cut fingernails, then...." Same thing with the whole naptime and bedtime routine as well as scores of other times throughout the day. And if a breakdown occurs about something that we ALWAYS do, I say "now sweetie, you know we always brush teeth after our bath. AFTER we brush your teeth, then you can..."


Brazelton has also helped me to think about identifying and labeling the feelings my daughter is experiencing that have lead to the tantrum "It's frustrating that that book won't slide out of the shelf, isn't it? Here, let's try it this way" or "you seem to be upset with mummy that you can't have xxx right now" to help her to recognize and understand her feelings better.


So much of it is about the intensity and passion toddlers feel about every decision, and the tension between doing what she wants and what she should. Brazelton says that as she learns to handle the struggle, she'll be a stronger more secure child (nice to think about). And that ultimately these tensions develop their self discipline. It's been helpful for me to think of helping her along that road: "I wish I could help you, but I can't. You decide what you want, and I'll either go along with it, or I'll say no. Eitherway, it will help you make up your own mind." As others have said, often being right there is worse, and it's more helpful to walk away (if they can't hurt themselves), or just step back.


Sometimes this is helpful: "I'm sorry, I love you, but you can't do that. I'll have to stop you until you learn to stop yourself." with gentle hands on the shoulders to stop whatever it is.


And, importantly, once the it's all over, a long warm hug and "It's terrible being so upset, isn't it? Aren't you proud you are learning to control yourself? I love you."


I rely on all of the resources you've mentioned btw, including Dobson. He's not as commonly mentioned, but very helpful too, I find.


Good luck hkchoichoi, I know you have your hands full now with two. You're doing a great job and, fortunately, these stages pass. (Don't you appreciate your mother ever so much more now?!)

wecome to the TERRIBLE 2'S!!!!! My son 2.6 yrs is going thru that , alittle better now,I also have a daughter 4yrs, he just would'nt let her do anything,pull her hair,hit her, snatch toys that she would want to play with,I even yell at him but makes no difference to him,but I know he understands everything,so I keep repeating don't do it the whole day, and I try not to give in.

He even went thru this phase of throwing everything on the floor,very stubborn.But as these months are passing by, he's getting better.

So don't worry, I'm sure its just a phase.

My thoughts- thanks for the thoughtful response. I actually have that Brazelton book - buried somewhere amongst all my parenting books - I've tried a lot of what you suggested, a heads up about what is next, help verbalizing what it is that she's feeling - and it seems to help.


Now if she would only sleep through the night!

Woody - I saw your posting on my other thread - I wish my daughter slept like yours...mine used to...

hkchoichoi...one thing I didn't realize I was doing, but seems to help alot for us, is giving her some sort of choice, even if it's not just the choice she wants. Even silly things, like it's morning and she wants to read a second book in bed and we're running late. She can't have that book, but I ask her if she'd like to come out of bed upside down or rightside up. Things like that seem to take her mind off what she can't have, but still gives her something she can choose.


Also, I've learned to try to understand just what it is that's caused the meltdown. Sometimes it's not what I think at all...like last night she completely fell apart as I was rinsing her hair in the tub, and it wasn't water in her eyes or anything like that at all, she wanted her Tigger cup! Now!! Had brought it to the bathroom but it wasn't in the tub!!!


It's a great big learning experience, isn't it?

All this sounds so familiar! With mine, she would fly off about her shoes. Even now,at 4, she gets a bit vicious over clothes and shoe selections - a bit of a prima-donna. Sometimes choices worked for her, sometimes we just had to leave her.


At 4.5 she is much, much better.


But recently on holiday, after a very happy day, but a bit overtired, she nestled down for bed and it occurred to her that she hadn't received any "presents". A 2 hr tantrum ensued - she had been over nutured with gifts from Grandparents and treats, just nothing that day. It was just all too over-stimulating and she was past bedtime.


After the first hour, there was really nothing I could do, I tried reasoning, comfort, firmly telling her to go to bed. She told me she wanted me dead, was going to run away and never come back. Terrible! I could do nothing but ignore her. She left the room to "run away" I ignored her (listening for the latch!). She came back and said "I tell you Mummy one more time, you give me a present and I stop!" - she said this twice, I had to ignore her, she climbed into my bed and went to sleep!


The next morning she was very happy, and whispered in my ear "I doesn't remember crying yesterday!"