Jealousy among your kids

Daughter number one has been directing her temper and mischieves towards people who cares about her recently due to the second baby born 3 months ago.We still give her the attentions ,however whenever,the younger one cries ,i just have to run to her first.How do you deal with jealousy among them?

the jealousy is only natural and will (hopefully) pass. also, sibling rivalry is perfectly normal and (as many of us adults know!) can last a lifetime, to varying degrees.


she does love her little sister, but little sister is still a new interloper in her world! you're doing the right thing by continuing to give her attention, but don't automatically attend to her first - keep a balance. she also needs to learn little sister is here to stay.


according to my parents, when my little sister came along, i was supremely happy, because i had "ordered" her from them ;-) , and yet i was also resentful at first because i had been the only child for nearly five years. as long as you set clear ground rules, and continue to make elder daughter feel special, all will be well.


it will also help if you ask for her assistance with whatever small tasks she can do to take care of her little sister - it will make her feel important, responsible, and needed. maybe next time little sister cries, ask her "can you help me make her laugh?" or "why do you think she is crying, can you help me get her bottle/new diaper/toy?" good luck!

My oldest (then two, now 19) had a fear of being pushed out by the new baby. It helped greatly when I reassured her that it was okay for her to remain a baby, that I would just have "two babies" now instead of one. You can also involve the older child in doing things for the baby, and this also lets her spend positive time with you. She can fetch a new diaper, entertain the baby while you change diaper, "show the baby how to smile," "show the baby how to slide down the slide" etc. If you are b.f., you can use your nursing time to read stories to daughter #1. I think it's a benefit (in the long run) for both children to learn that whichever child has the greatest need will be attended to first but that if she waits, you will eventually take care of her as well. (Sometimes that's a hard balancing act, but it doesn't hurt anyone to realize gently that they are important but not the complete center of the universe.) I'd suggest don't joke about things with big emotional significance (such as giving the baby away). Always make sure she knows your love is solid and unconditional, no matter what, and even if you are angry, tired, or fussy, because you want her to feel very secure and not worry about being given away! B. Brazelton says it helps to talk with young children about their feelings and help them put word labels on the feelings (e.g. I am feeling angry). That way, they learn the feelings are normal, and the powerful feelings aren't so frightening to them if they can understand them better. Fred Rogers also wrote a book aimed at toddlers who get new babies, but I can't remember the name. I wholeheartedly endorse the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" mentioned on another thread. I read it when mine were really young and applied the advice, and my girls have always had really good relationship (they say they are each other's best friends).

Hi Ellie-


I am going through it too - except my #1 doesn't act out "jealousy" but more tantrums...but I suspect it has to do with #2's arrival. She loves her to death (literally have to keep her from squasing #2 with her death kisses which basically means she smashing #2 with her body and kisses her) and the first thing in the morning #1 wants to see "baby."


I do find getting #1 to help is really good. "Emily please go get me the wipes" and "can you tickle baby's feet so she doesnt' fall alseep" and asking permission from Emily to do certain things. "Isabella has to take a bath now, that's okay right?" I've been saying things like "Baby has to eat now, and then you will eat next."


But it isn't easy I've noticed. How old is your older one? Mine is just 22 months - so some of the more sophisticated reasoning and thinking isn't there yet. Yours may be older so on one hand it will be easier and on the other more difficult.

hi,sometimes amist the crying and exhaustion,i sometimes forget about asking no.1 to help out,you just want to get things done asap.older is 3 already.

hkcc-so is your husband excited about a second one girl?you told me you wanted bb no.2 to be a surprise.my daughter too,doesnt act out jealousy but throw her tantrums towards us.they call it the terrible 2s,i should say mine turns 'wild' at 3.

read about the other thread on br feeding problems?2 months back,i was in her position.what a laugh.then i never believed how i can establised my milk flow...

Yeah the crying and exhaustion and the constant leaking milk and the need for some down time - i relate girl...it's enough to send you over...


I do find that staying calm and instead of trying to finish things ASAP, giving #1 a chance to help is really good - I like it when she understands and can help and then I can really praise her...It's hard though - when things are falling apart and you just want stuff done - I notice that my #1 tends to fall apart when I rush her.


I had a baby girl - it was a pleasant surprise. i'm glad I have two girls - although it does mean I am probably going to have to have another one - due to the whole "continue the male line blah blah blha." sigh...two is hard enough - I dont' know if I can manage 3.

seriously 3?any one helping with your kids so far?

Three - I know..and I ain't young either- i'll be 35 this year - MAMY YEARS AGO, when I was stupid and young and full of energy, and my husband and i were only dating, we had great dreams of having FIVE kids as I love kids and he thought a basketball time ready made would be the cool thing. AFter we had one, we decided that four would be good, because I didn't want to have a "middle child" syndrome (since I had such a crazy experience with my brother as a middle child). But we got started in life late (we married late even though we dated a long time) and kids just got pushed back. I don't think I can get out of 3 kids though - I have to have a surefire son sometime soon...sigh...


I have some part time help - she comes when i'm teaching - but #1 and #2 need me more than her - I'm still breastfeeding, and #1 craves my attention. I had a major battle royale this evening getting her to sleep - sometimes I dread bedtime...she had a massive temper tantrum and I could tell she was tired so I tried to get her to sleep about 5 minutes earlier than normal and she somehow could feel that I was rushing her or something -and than BAM! Massive attack...


Is your second a girl? Boy? How you holding on? Are you doing the exercises? The only exercise I am doing are the stomach ones - who has time for the rest?

Anyone experienced jealousy the other way around? My older daughter shows little to no sign of jealousy when the little one arrived. She loves her little sister to bits. The little one (now almost 18 months) on the other hand shows extreme sign of jealousy (especially when she is tired or sleepy) when we cuddle or be with the older one. Any advise?

No advice but just to let you know it continues throughout their lives..."you love her more than me" "How come she gets what she wants and I don't" "Why do you let her get away with so much and you clamp down on me?" etcetcetcetctetc....

zeta, that is my experience too. When the younger one was about 12-18mos she would try to pull or push her sister (3.5 yrs old) off my lap. I did a lot of talking about taking turns, also I would make sure that the turns were not too long so that she knew her time was coming too. Another thing that worked for me was to sit one on each leg to read etc so they could be together and learn to share time with me. Now they are 2 and 4 and are doing better, but now we are in the stage where the younger one wants to do everything her sister is doing. So she doesn't so much want to sit with me, she just wants to be in the same place as her sister.

dsabline, thanks for sharing. What you said is encouraging (for me anywyas). As we only plan to have 2 kids, I would love to see the 2 of them get along. If the little one wants to do everything the older one is doing.....music to my ears! Since posting on this thread a week or so ago, have seen some improvement. Fingers cross.

Have to teach the younger one to share, too! And just because one child gets something doesn't mean the other does! Because you love them equally, they get what they need because they need it, not because the other one got something -- it's not a tit for tat world! (that comes from the book Siblings Without Rivalry). Anyway, another absolute rule in our house is "kindness and respect." That's how we are supposed to treat each other, and if you teach the siblings to act that way they will actually begin to feel that way because being treated that way actually makes one feel kinder.