Hello Everybody
I am posting my problem after a long futile struggle to find a solution myself.
Just a background…. I am a highly educated woman with a good job and a stable, loving family around me. My problem is since I have got married, 15 years ago, I have always faced one or the other problem in my married life .I have somehow successfully resolved and moved further keeping firmly in mind to keep my family intact. I want to add here that the struggle was a lonely struggle, hubby although understood but somehow due to situations and circumstances couldn’t help. I don’t blame him.
But now, he has been without a job for almost 2 years now. I am the sole earning member of the family (not that I mind or its hampering the relation with hubby) but somehow I have lost my concentration in work. I get up with a heavy head, in spite of what I feel is a good sleep. I feel lost , always have a desire to call somebody to have a good talk with like my mom , my sister and talk to them but well, after I talk I feel guilty for the bills of ISD that I will pay later. I feel I am like an addicted person and feel helpless. There is a constant struggle inside me to balance my life, as a wife, mom and as an individual. I am also further pursuing my studies, but I have no interest in my assignments and studies at Uni. I would sit in front of computer and pretending and fooling myself that I am working on assignment, but at the end of day, nothing is accomplished. I don’t know what’s happening, Once I know the problem, I can work on solution. This is driving me to the walls. And also will appreciate if anybody can give me few tips on regaining my concentration.
Ps: I don’t want to share my problem with my husband because he is already going through a lean phase, and he may take it on him and think because of him am feeling like that. I put up a happy face in front of me and it sometimes lead me to exhaustion
All constructive help is appreciated.
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Being a strong woman is not all that easy. People have a lot of expectations of us. And we too of ourselves. But you know, sometimes its ok not to be strong. Its ok to breakdown and feel vulnerable. Its ok to admit that we are weak. We don't have to put up a strong front all the time as it only wearies us.
Don't mean to be preachy (particularly during Easter) but maybe you can find comfort in God. I believe we all have a God-shaped vacuum that only He can fill. And when we are weak, He is strong. All he wants from us is our broken-ness and strife. And He will make all things beautiful of your life.
May His peace be with you.
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gum
20 yrs ago
Hello gsm. Do you do anything like yoga and/or meditation. Not that my problem is anything as serious as yours but I do feel that life in Hongkong, for all the fun that is out there, is extremely stressful and can cause a great deal of harm in the long run. I sometimes for no reason feel very lost. I have started doing yoga recently and find that it's a good way to relax the brain and finding a bit of peace and calmness. A friend of mine has suggested a meditation course which I am checking out at the moment.
Website: artofliving.org if you are interested.
Hope this helps and hope you feel better soon.
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Thanks new in bangkok and qum for replying.
qum, have tried doing meditation , but i cant concentrate. I feel am living in a bubble, nothing touches me sometimes. Yes life in Hong Kong can be exhausting, specialy when we are away from our support systems: family , friends.
I will go to art of living event on 21 april.
thanks once again
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Maybe instead of calling, try writing an email to cut down costs. I do that a lot when i was living away from my family and friends and when money was tight. You need an outlet to destress and talking is a great way but the costs of it adds to your worries. Email or msn would be better. Hope that helps
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thanks sunniefaith.
Yes i think its abt destressing.
i try and chat. I am sometimes worried abt my intense urge to smoke when i am tensed, although in reality I have never smoked even once.
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gsm, not trying to encourage you to smoke, I smoke whenever i'm stressed. But you know, different people have different ways of destressing. Some talk, some drink, some exercise, we all have different ways. I have a secret smoke and then think about things and calm myself down. I write emails to my friends. In my point of view, as long as I'm destressing and not harming anyone and not making myself poor, i'mm good. I rather destress than to bottle everything up and one day, find myself in a looney bin! If you know what i mean!
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Better still, invest in a good webcam and mic and talk to your family and friends over Skype. Its free.
www.skype.com
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i wish I was intelligent enough to put my finger on the problem, then it was a piece of cake. I would have worked on the soultion.
My problem is , I have been trying to decipher the reason but couldnt ustand...
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Maybe try a counsellor to help you resolve these issues - St Johns does a pretty good job. You may also becoming deficient in essential vitamins, mineral and fatty acids. Try fish or linseed oil tablets - this helps me during listless times (especially when the sun doesn't come out for days, months, weeks...)
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Dimac,
may be what u say is partially the reason , adding to my woes . will try to supplement my diet.
thanks
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as for cutting down on phone bills - if u have a broad band connection and your family & friends overseas do to, then download skype. It is the greatest ever. I spend hrs talking to people in europe and india and don't spend anything.
www.skype.com
just get yourself headphones with a mic and u'r all set.
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sub
20 yrs ago
I know just how you feel, must admit that this website is one of my things I do besides calling family. I can have mountains of work, all v important, and i usually love my job, but sometimes I really couldn't give a toss and can wittle away hours and hours.
Then I feel ghastly and guilty because the work remains and I have even less time to deal with it...catch 22 because I just want to ignore it.
For me I think it is something like a "poor me" attitude, and I can take loads of pressure, but after a while I feel like saying "and what if I DON'T do this, is the world REALLY going to collapse?"
I am not sure if this makes sense to you, but now that I think it is just me feeling a bit sad for myself, I just kind of let myself have a bit of space to fritter a bit of time now & then, and try not to let it get silly. Sometimes I really have to ban myself like an addict too. And if I am like this at work I have decided I am better off going home early than wasting so much time (luckily I have some freedom at work and am able to go home as it suits).
Focus on the positive days when you don't feel lost, and have your drive back, commend yourself at these times, it helps.
www.call2.com cost USD0.05/minute to call international. It uses normal phonelines, at least takes the bill guilt away.
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gsm, how's things? Hope you're feeling better? I'm not sure what's the issue with you exactly and i know it's not easy. Maybe it's time to really sit down with your hubby and talk it out. Have a good talk and clear the air. The more you bottle up, things may get worse. Talk, if not, write a letter to him and try to work things out. He may not be the issue, but I feel between husband and wife, things have to be clear and also he should know how you feel. My two cents' worth....
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Thanks so much all out there.
thanks sunniefaith , I am feeling a bit better.Have finished my one assignment. Trying to make some sense out of everything that goes around me .
Will try and talk to my husband. lets see....
But still so often I feel so lost and end up with bitter taste in mind and in my thoughts.
What all u guys there do to keep urself fresh and rejuvenated? What do u do to unwind? Something I can do to without spending money. I read books ... a voracious reader... what else can be done?
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exercise - walking, running, cycling can all be done without spending money.
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gsm,
I read a lot and watch senseless tv to numb myself. I walk sometimes to clear my head. I know life can be very hard. I used to love to shop but I realised that I'm now saddled with loads of debts from shopping. So now, I do stuff that are free to destress myself. I find walking helps a lot....Take care...Really hope things work out for you!
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I have always been a strong character with clear goals, good memory and what i considered to be healthy balance in my work and fun time. However about 2 years I started to experience lack of enthusiasm, loss of concentration, didn't want to get up in the morning, couldn't sleep, or would wake up in the early hours with my mind racing about everything and nothing, never quite managing to put my finger on it. Finally I thought I was going mad, dementia crossed my mind, so I went to the doctor armed with a list of my symptons (mainly because I would have forgotten some if they were written down). After i finished telling the doctor my problem he asked why I had made the list (I never had before). When I told him he said have you heard of perimenopausal, I was 37 and anything with menopausal in the name is not a good sign. He explained this is the period before the menopause (could be as much as 15 years before) that effect some women in just the way I had been explaining. I bought a book and felt it had been written about me. Just knowing I was not going mad and that others were experiencing similar things was a huge relief. There are hormone treatments and other natural things you can do to improve the mood....and thats what it is mostly about..your mood...feeling guilting about things, just trying to keep busy so you dont have time to think. My mother also has similar problems from her mid thirties to her current age of 57. Some of these are due to things that happened in her life, which need to be addressed through a professional councellor, however she has also improve in her mental being after understanding more about our mood and how this is effected by our hormonal situation. I really woudl recommend that you at least read some things about perimenopausal & mood swings and see if the light comes on in your head like it did for me. Good luck
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Thanks erg and offica for the replies.
Erg will certainely check on the exhaustion part. that was a great help. will check the doc out. exhaustion cant be ruled out in my case too, culd be the subtle culprit.
thanks for the direction
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i read and watch telly a lot. Just to get things off...sometimes, i call my friend in Sydney when i really need someone to talk to. But there are times that i feel that i just need the 'me' time and it does wonders for me. I shop alone and just spend some time to clear my head
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I sometimes miss the heart to heart chat with my friend, who has been with me through my ordeal.I do have friends here also but somehow am a very private person and opening up my ordeals doesnt come to me easily. I do call up but well the face to face , heart to heart talk is more theraupatic.
I feel guilty when I shop, feel I am wasting money, when I should put this into a better use.... I sometimes feel like having massages but well its the same guilt trip story......
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What a big deal, Your husband only has the short run unemployment problem. It is only less income problem, you don't need to watch the money so serious. It is nonsense for you to have the psyco problem. He work or no work, you still go to work everyday, what make the different. The difference is may be you are so mean that to share your income with your husband. You are selfish, remember how much he has spend on you. You better stay in a depression life and feeling angry that he sit and using your money. Maybe later you will loose your job. Later, he find a job. Will he mind to give you money? Women can not vice versa.
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I think u completely missed the meaning. I would request you to read the post carefully before shooting your mouth and commenting.
I dont think anywhere in my post I said/ implied , I dont want my share money with my husband. Or is it ur exhaustive mind working overtime, a fiction of ur imagination?
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I have a friend have the problem some as you. She has stick on problem like you and can not find the way out. What her call is the best friend are fears to object her mind as they are afraid to loose a friend.
Finally, she become depress and using a lot of pill and can not quit. Then her freind will have a lot of suggestion, Yoga, Doctor, Pill, But does she know that it is not solution?
The only solution is be brave and smart. I have a friend like you. Her husband has unemploy for two years and she face a lot of problem too. She is a teacher. She has compliant by the parent as she think that she hit her son and almost loose the job. Secondly, the birth rate has decline, her salary has been cut 30%. But two months ago, I saw her holding her husband hand going to shopping. Her son still going to the playground and using maid. I don't know why she using the maid as her husband stay at home. How much is a teacher can earn, about 15K. But her living standard have no change and she doesn't have any depression. She only compliant her mother in law as she doesn't give the assistance to her. So, you do not have the worse situation. Quit the pill and find some positive friend then you will not have the Pscho problem.
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Hi again , but with a different number... queniek,
First let me assure you , am not the same friend you mentioned in the above post. I have no mother in law staying with me, and even if she did, I share a loving relation with her, so complains are out.
I dunno what pills you want me to quit, the only pill I remember using last time was a contraceptive pill.... and if i quite that then may be you will complain in your next post about me trying to increase my brood and piling up my poor hubby with extra hands. so pls advice what shld I do
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queniek,
Not sure, what are you driving at....But honestly, do you really understand what gsm is going through? I think in no way are we meant to judge anyone. I can totally understand what gsm is going through. At this point of time, I really think gsm is very stong. I may not hold out as much as she is doing now.
To be really honest, i told my husband before that I may leave him if he is out of a job more than a year and if he doesn't make an effort to find a job. I am an Asian woman even though I spent some time in Australia. I want to a man that can look after me when i want to quit work and also someone that I can look up to. But this is my point of view. Therefore, at this point, I understand what gsm is going through.
Gsm, you have my support...Screw whatever discouraging stuff people are saying....In my opinion, you're really trying your best!
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I can not login the previous user name as the pass word have lost in mind.
The story is my friend's story but anyone, pleaase do not sensitive. It is a story to encourge people not to give up when his husband is unemployment. That is what a friend is.
The pills that you've mention is ISD. Please check. No one can stop anyone to taking pill. Excercise is a good option too.
Hope you can overcome the problem and can have the fruitful year. That is what I hope to see a friend have.
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Thanks sunniefaith for the encouraging words and also for understanding my condition.really very helpful under the stress duress.
Sunniefaith, a friend of mine sent me a holistic website and I have been reading ,contemplating and trying to re access my solution strategy. I have no option but to be strong, and if I have to fight out this problem why not constructively, this is what i feel.
queniek, the pill ISD that you mentioned is actually a very therupetic pill as in purgation of emotion , because once you pop up that pill you get to talk to the peron on the other side and u can vent out your feeling. Unfortunately they send you the bill at the end of each month, with a record of how many pills you poped that month.......This is the International subscriber dialing ( ISD).
Thanks for your support anyways.
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gsm, really hope that you're feeling better. Things always happen for a reason. My mantra in life is very simple, whatever does not break me, only makes me stronger! I live by that rule...
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I am very sorry to hear your story. I know exactly what you are going through. Supported my ex for several years. Watch your health. I ended up suffering from Deppression and needed to follow a treatment. It is very ahrd being taking MAN'S role but, as you say there's no other alternative. I would be happy to keep basis with you. Write to me privately. It does help. Good luck with everything and I do hope your husband manages to get a job soon. Cheer up!
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