Husband and his family

This might be a classic story...

I marry to my husband, and I resign from my job to join his family business. His mother is the president, and all his brothers, sisters, brother in law and sister in law are working for this company.

Now, I have a problem... Whenever there is an agruement in the family (about the business, and the way to do business), I have to be the 'middleman' between my husband and his family.

My husband complains that I should not give him more headache after a day's work, while his family ask me why I not restaint him to do this and that.

All his sisters are doing finance and account, and they always conflict with the sales (my husband is doing sales work)....

Now, my husband doesn't want to talk to his sisters, and his sisters want to talk to him through me...Wost than that, his mother now thinks that I am the trouble to cause all these troubles...

Anyone can help or suggest???

Both of you leave the company and find jobs elsewhere,

it's the disadvantage that all the family numbers work together.i advise you to leave the company and find jobs in other place,too.

I'm in my husband's family business too. Unfortunately conflicts are bound to arise. I think the best thing for you is not to act as the middle person and let them sort it out themselves. The thing is if they are brothers and sisters, they may argue till the walls come down but at the end of the day, they are still siblings. If you take part and say things that are against what they want to hear, they may not be as forgiving.

Both of you moving out of the business is an option. In fact, it is an option that I would love to grab as well, but my husband loves his famikly business and wants to stay put. He's not even doing it for the money, it's just that he has an affection for it because he grew up with the business. Yours could be the same story.

How I handle it is that I try to say as little as possible.

It is a difficult position to be in sales. You are pressured with the accounting costs and you are pressured by customers to keep the costs low. Trying to find a balance in the middle can be quite hard.

Look at it this way. At least you're the middle person. I can foresee with my husband's business that when his parents are not around, it's going to be war between the brothers with the business' wealth. But I've reminded my husband over and over again that if it happens, I'm prepared to leave without a cent.

Thankyou MayC, the Chinese-Thai culture here are much diference...From the day I marry, I know that I have to be involved in their family business. Eventthrough I am not good in Thai (I am Chinese), but I still have to deal with all those accounting, taxing and etc which, I am not good at. But I don't have choices!

I don't want to be the middleman, but in some situation, his sister just ask me to call him for solving the problem in front of her. I don't want to do, but I have to obey to her, as she is more senior to me.

Now we try to start a new company, but still in the same business. This drive his mother crazy, and again, cause a lot of agruements...I have to be patient, very very patient.

My last way out, maybe, just stay at home to tender my baby...

dear Alice in Bangkok

well so pity to hear your situation ,,, well you can move to another city for do the same business or another ,,,better not live in same land ,

and or you can just taker for children as u thinked before and your husby can going for another job/business .

working together inside family always horrible ,,can not overcome a difficulty.

May I know what do you take part in the business besides of middle man(public relatioship)?


The job allocation must be clear and doing their own part only.


You may study the accounting. Why? This make you stand in the business and become the core person in the business.


Keep in mind - finance controller is the one who is monitoring the cash flow, business planning.


Your sister in law put her in the management account to monitoring the accounting.


Your husband, Salesman is a Salesman. You can give him a target to meet every month so that he can focus on the business.


About your mother in Law. Give her a grandson, playgroup, credit card, travelling, monthly salary and shares that's what a retire person need. about the business management it is time to let the second generation to take part and she can enjoy her life after a life working ....

Thankyou very much for you all...After I read all the sugestions, I know that to leave the family business is the best choice!!

It is impossible for my husband to leave the current business, as he is the first son of the family.

We are going to start a new warehouse this month, and my husband tries to put me for finace and accounting control...Of course, all the family members are not agree with that.

But to me, myself, if this doesn't work out, I will be definately out.

Again, thank you all for your kind suggestions.

It seems a shame to leave the family business if you enjoy it and if it's a good business. Deep down, surely the sisters know it is wrong to put you in the middle, to ask you to do something they are not willing to do themselves. Here are two ways to get out of the middle: (1) tell sister this is a matter between her and your husband and you have no control over him. Call him, tell him what she wants to speak with him about, and then hand the phone to her. BAsically, make it a joint meeting between sister and husband, whether you are present or not. Okay, she won't like it. But perhaps you can find a nicer way to do it. Just don't let them put you in the middle! (2) If you can't bring yourself to do this, go to the person who is boss of both her and you (or of her and your husband), and tell them your problem and ask their help in getting it resolved. That person will understand how unfair it is for you to be placed in the middle between a brother and a sister, and may try to help.


Now, assume that either one of these strategies doesn't work or that it costs you your "job." Isn't it better to try first than to just quit without trying to solve the problem? The other thing it could do is make the sisters in law very mad. In this case, your first loyalty must be to your husband as he is the one to whom you made the lifelong commitment. If it comes down to it, would he choose you over the business? If the family knows this and they want to keep him, then they will have to learn that in order to keep him they will have to be nicer to you.

Thankyou very much Meiguoren,

The big boss is my mother in law....Unfortunately, she is with her daughters!! To her, I am not her blood, and she is not listen to me... I used to persuate my husband to spend more time with her mother and talk about all these...but as a man, he doesn't lilke gossips, and he is too nice to blame his sisters in front of his mum.

As his temper is hot, he some time gets conflicts with his mum too. And mostly, his mother is listen to the girlss.

Yes, I know I have to be patient, very very patient. I just hope things will be better once the new company is operating...but I really not sure...

Yes, then it sounds like you have to get away from this, because they're really running based on extension of family relationships and not like a business. (Are you being put into finance and accounting because you are qualified, or simply because that's convenient!? If not qualified yet, maybe take some courses!) If the new warehouse is independent and you can get away from them, maybe it will be okay but if they are involved in the management issues, then you'll still have the same set of problems with control because of the relationship issues. I read in a management book one time . . . that the most successful stories about businesses making the transition from one generation to the next, were where the parent generation gave the second generation independence / freedom to follow their own dream and business plan, or help them work slowly into positions of great responsibility but then really let them take responsibility and not always trying to control the puppet strings. That may mean spinning off a separate business. One story I can tell that happened in my own neighborhood, for example, is about a woman who added a small restaurant literally onto the back porch of her father's grocery store. The restaurant was so good and grew so fast that it eventually became the main family business. If her father had insisted that she just do accounting or whatever for the old family business, they would have been stuck in the old business model. On the other hand, by starting small and within the framework of what was already there, she was able to keep costs low and reduce the risk of utter failure. The other thing is that long term, if you husband doesn't enjoy working with his sisters, it will be best to get away from them. Sounds like his mother is the glue that holds it together, and when she is gone things could really get ugly. As far as their loyalty to you . . . well, it may take decades for them to figure out you really are part of the family. Probably best for you especially to get away from it if they treat you like an outsider. What is your own dream for what you would like to do? Maybe your husband could find a way to help make this happen? If you start your own business that becomes successful, then maybe he could leave where he is to join you? I'm thinking long term plan here. Start very small and let it grow.