Lonely, Foolish and...Damaged

I'm an older woman, separated fm my husband for a couple of yrs (but still on amicable terms), with kids in college. I'm educated and working. I live alone. Sometimes, inspite of loving family, friends and activities, it gets lonely.


I corresponded with a younger man almost daily for 3wks. He was intelligent and eloquent. We got along. When he suggested meeting, i was hesitant; i decided to reveal my age, marital & family status. I did not want to mislead him.


We saw each other for 3 wks and were intimate occasionally. He revealed, later upon asking, that he was married and had a child. He claimed that his marriage was strained, but his wife and he continued to live in the same house (he would visit them every weekend or fortnight as they were living in another city). Later he admitted that he was seeing a 3rd party in a 3rd city that he frequented on business; he had known her since childhood but she was married to another man.


I was disappointed. I felt he could have told me earlier so I could make an informed choice for myself - a privilege that I had accorded him. I was not expecting a long-term relationship with him (he was in my city on a work contract), yet I was kind and understanding towards him. I expected some degree of honesty from the beginning. I suggested that, when we part, we part amicably and respectfully. He promised it would be so. A few days later, he simply said over the phone: "I'm very uncomfortable talking to you" and cut off ties.


I feel foolish that i trusted him, and deeply disappointed that he ended things the way he did; promises don't mean anything these days. I'm hurt that he denied me any resolution or closure with "us". It's embarrasing to admit that this happened to me at my age. I want to express my resulting anger at his deceit, but don't see what point it'll serve. I have not called him since...I feel irreparably damaged.

"Wisdom is

the booby prize

given when you've been

unwise."

- a grook by Piet Hein


i hope that made you laugh. hi mizQ, sorry to hear that this happened to you. but you are hardly 'irreparably damaged'. chalk it up to your first experience with online dating. (you met online right? not sure from your posting but it's what i assumed.)


not to make light of your situation but i think every possible pitfall that could have happened did, and since you are now the wiser for it, chances are very low that you will fall for it again.


look at it this way: at least this all happened while your life was relatively pared down - no husband, lover, or kids around to witness the fallout. just us strangers on the net to whom you have vented your spleen. you're not the first person this has happened to, and you won't be the last. but at least you've gotten your turn over with!


absolutely do not call him again...and move on. i think it's great that you ventured out in the first place to look for something special - don't let one liar deter you from your potential happiness. it's a numbers game, and when played smartly, it's one you can win.

Thank you VoR, RT & ERG for your words of support and encouragement. I wonder if the fallout from experiences of this nature on a woman above 45 affects her more severely than a younger woman? Women like me don't have the luxury of time to make, and recover from, such mistakes. I realise that what's unfolded has unfolded. Perhaps men tend to see older, single (or divorced/widowed) women as desperate for love and/or sex and hence, easy targets for abuse.


On my part, it took me a long while to muster the courage and confidence to meet up with this man; i simply don't have it within me to react in a graceless manner. Moving on is often easier said than done, but what alternatives are there? Being bitter and cynical?


Sadly, i now feel less qualified to guide or advise my beautiful daughters, or any other woman, on such matters; it would truly break my heart if a man did the same to them.

Hi mizQ. Seems from your post above that you talked to him for 3 weeks and then spent 3 weeks together before discovering he was a lowlife. That is only 6 weeks... a very short time in the world of relationships. You should give yourself a pat on the back for getting rid of this loser so quickly before he could really hurt you. Thank your lucky stars you're not this man's poor wife, who is no doubt oblivious to all his antics.


So a player took advantage of you. It hurts at any age. There are lovely men out there. You don't say what age you are but don't give up just yet! A family member of mine found out her husband was cheating on her in her late 50s, divorced him and met the most lovely man in her early 60s. She just turned 70 and they are both very happy.


As for being less qualified to give your daughters advice - what are you talking about, experience counts for everything, you are more qualified than ever!

MisQ, I'm sorry to hear your story. I can totally relate to your disappointment about how he ended things so badly because I've gone through something similar. Some men just cannot be friends if you're the one who wanted out first. Their egos cannot take it. Maybe walking out abruptly is their only way of dealing with their feelings of rejection. It's really childish for sure, and their loss.


But maybe it's better this way... to go cold turkey, instead of letting things drag on with this dreadful man. All the best!

blaze= you're right it's his loss.

I've a relationship with a woman 20 yrs older. We have a great affair. Too bad she's gone back to her hometown. I felt foolish and stranded for we're really very close.

MisQ> you should feel happy to find out he such a jerk. He is just typical online players that hack for the innocent women like you. You should feel sorry for these people, not yourself. Now move on, good that you feel angry with him. Never worry about making mistakes as long as you learn it. You are not the only one, there are a lot of women are like that, fall into traps like this.


I am 40 and still single, and still feel hurt, so no worries, you are not alone.

Is this man really worth wasting another second of your life? If yes, sit there and mope about how damaged you are. If not, toss all thoughts of him aside and look to enjoying life. You mention you are divorced so you should know that your happiness does not depend on any man. Build on your confidence and make him a distant memory. Take back your life.


BTW, I am a mature woman and I have found that the older I get the less I sh!t I will take. You have to decide what you deserve - so is it sh!t or not?

hey claire....luv your last paragraph.


:))

First of all, I'm surprised, albeit pleasantly, by the responses my post has elicited; i thank you all for yr words of encouragement. I'm almost wistful for living in HKG now (where most of you reside); and am as grateful to those from MNL, SIN and "Unspecified" parts of Asia for yr advice.


Second, it's heartening to read how some of you, despite the end of a relationship and its attendant pain, are motivated to move on and love again. More power to you, ladies! (..and some gents, I suspect).


Suffice to say that I hurt. Some above have linked this to loss of pride, being used or an excuse to mope. Maybe you're all correct. But then again, maybe i need to grieve; this was, after all, a loss to me. If nothing else, i had invested time, hope and emotions into this; loving sapped me of energy. What I hoped to find in this relationship, i'm not sure. It was too short-lived. Will I find whatever i may be looking for elsewhere with another? I'm not sure about that either. However, in this journey that we call life, we do seek things - peace, wisdom, happiness, love...we're just not clear how, when or with whom. As J. Hart said: "There is an internal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives."


I guess the search continues. Thank you all for being a part of that journey. You've provided useful signposts.