Full time working mums - pls help.

I am considering going back to work shortly, full time and more often than not away out of town. My husband too works full time, often away for 1-2 nights a couple of times a month. I would love to hear from those mum's that also work full time, plus perhaps go away for business and how they handle it with a baby?? I have an 8 month old and still have to find a helper - any advice please!! How do you handle the guilt? What do you ask of your helper, aside from the obvious - look after my precious child please!

Any advice on what to look for when hiring our helper - (am getting the Julie Jacobson (sp?) book for help too), what to ask her, what to expect?

Does your child go to your helper more than you when you are home? Sorry these may sound like silly questions but it's eating away at me....


Any advice/help would be most appreciated, Thanks.

Congratulations on the decision to go back to work.

It is never an easy choice for any of us to go back to work full time at any stage. The good news is, no one ever replaces mum! If you find the right helper your little person will love you for it, just think another person to dote and care for your baby. Another person to talk with, play with, reinforce good habits, share difficult tasks and even more cuddles and variety of experience.

My suggestion, look at all the great things you create by being a working mum, plenty of us do it full time. It doesnt mean we love our little ones any the less, for me personally it keeps my dreams on track and when I am with my son I adore every moment with him.

If you would like some info re interviewing send me an email and I will forward you interview questions etc. These questions help to give insight into how your helper thinks and feels about different things, making it easier to learn if they are the type of person that you are looking for in your family. As a mum, when choosing your helper, trust your instincts. Good luck

Thanks TeamNZ just sent you a PM.

From a child development standpoint, research done in the US on babies who grow up in daycare vs. kids who babies grow up at home show no virtual difference in development of IQ and emotional stability. This is, provided that the day care is of good quality, and at a ratio of at least 1 teacher to 5 kids, if not fewer. (It will be up to you to decide how to create a stimulating environment for you baby if he/she is at home with your helper.) There has also been new research that shows that mothers who work actually spend MORE quality time with their child - because they know how precious those few moments are with their children they actually really work hard at it. There is research that shows that children whose mothers who work between birth and kindergarten - do not score any lower on tests scores and do not underperform in school.

This portion was to help you handle the guilt...


As for finding your helper - it takes good mother instinct and a lot fo luck in finding a good one. Find someone with really glowing recommendations from former employers. That is really key I think.


You may find yourself wanting to be with your child more - and may find ways to get your job to be more flexible and "parttime." (I returned to work but only parttime after the birth of my first and second.) On the flip side, you may find your work fulfiling and want to continue fulltime. (my sister in law is a pretty high up executive - she expressed breast milk for all three of her kids for 12 months - and worked full time after 8 week maternity leaves.) Everyone has their own way to make it work - you'll have a chance to figure out what yours is.


Good luck...

Your top priority is to find a helper and get the wheels rolling for the big change! If baby likes her and enjoys her, your guilt and fears will dissolve. And even at this age, don't discount how baby feels about her! After all, he is the one who has to spend most of every day with her, and I promise he will have a strong "gut reaction"! Of course, if baby falls in love with an airhead you will have to veto that, but hopefully everyone including baby will like the new caregiver. After some outstanding failures in finding the "right" nanny, I figured out that it takes very different skills to clean house versus to nurture and teach a child. While some people are good at everything (and you may find one), some of the best cleaning workers can't stand kids, and some of the most warm and fuzzy caregivers are not good at housework. Plus, I didn't want anyone to set the baby down to cry while they cleaned toilets. Therefore (when I was working), I decided to hire one person just to take care of children and a different person to clean. Check references thoroughly and do a background check. The best person will probably be someone who comes with rave reviews from a friend you trust (maybe an expat who is moving back to their home country?) Back in the USA, I have friends whose nannies (hired when babies were tiny) became such a part of family life that they remain on part time even after the children go away to college. Those are the really happy stories. As far as career challenges facing women, I personally loved a book called "What's Holding You Back: Eight Critical Choices For Women's Success" by Linda Austin. Probably would have to order it from someplace like Amazon. It's not about child care, but about attitude toward career and how the choices we make can help or hinder.

I agree with the above poster regarding getting two different people to manage the job of caring for your little boy and the housework... two completely different jobs and big ones in themselves. The people I know who keep a really tight ship in the housework department are actually not all that wonderful with small kids (my Mum included) as little ones and toddlers in particular are are only concerned with making messes and they can't help you to do any of the jobs yet. When they are older it is easier because they can come around the house and help dust and play with the vacuum etc but while still so little but mobile it is a recipe for disaster to be trying to iron, clean bathrooms, or cook with a little one underfoot. I realise that you have been doing it full time yourself now for a while but the workload will increase exponentially once he is walking and fully mobile as well as reducing his daytime naps. I also assume that you will want him to go to some social activities as he gets a little older outside of the house so you will have to research what options are available for him and the helper to go to or if she will be welcome at your existing social gatherings without you. If you are away a lot I guess it will also depend on how much your partner is also willing/able to put into the care of your little one. Will he do bathtime and bedtime on the nights when you cannot get home along with getting up in the night to clean up if your baby is sick/teething. Personally I think it is unreasonable to ask someone to look after your baby during the night as well, - this is how regular stay at home mums burn out and they have the motivation that they are caring for their own flesh and blood and mostly in hong kong a full time helper to take the edge off or in other countries part time help with cleaning/babysitting. A lot will also depend on how easy your little one is, does he go down for his naps awake and put himself happily off to sleep or does he require a more "intensive" routine of bottle, rocking etc (mine did :), does he eat his food well and quickly or require lots of special food and tempting to eat. I think if you can cover all the bases of making sure that his needs will be met to a high standard then you will feel more settled yourself. Why not start working on writing down all the routines, menus, emergency contact information, schedules for outside activities etc that you currently do every day and start thinking how another person is going to have to do these - how will your helper transport the baby and get him out and about? Without a car is she going to be able to do the weekly shopping with him in tow or will someone else do it? What will be your emergency back up plans in the event that she is ill or leaves suddenly? Do you feel comfortable with the helper taking your son to medical appointments and get the correct feedback from her regarding what happened at that appointment. Your baby will always know who mummy and daddy are, but as most mums and dads know looking after baby and house are in the majority a repetitive boring and thankless task so also remeber that when dealing with any issues you have with your helper.... sometimes there are not enough hours in the day (depending on what is happening in toddlers life) to have a spic and span house, ironed sheets and a homemade dinner on the table, this will be accepted if it was your choice or you didn't have time to do it but I see many expat women here who expect miracles of just one person working alone on minimum wage and without much incentive or guidance. Other things to consider are how will you get feedback on what he is doing each day so you are included? At daycares we used in Australia there is a log of what the kids have done each day, what the menu was, digital photographs taken throughout the day of the kids which were printed and left at the sign in/out desk. There were also forms for any illness or accident detailing what action had been taken for a bump/cut.

Wow, ness thank you for your in depth reply and to everyone else for their helpful comments. I think finding the right helper first is key and yes, the housework is really my last priority - luckily I also have a fab husband who often pitches in and also loves to cook. Hopefully everything will work out as best as possible and should anyone know of a great helper finishing their contract please let me know!! :) Thanks.

I think mums should be free to return to (and do well at) work and not feel any guilt.


However, I think any new mum reading this thread should take two lessons from this: (1) Don't wait until the last minute to find a helper and (2) Don't expect your new helper to be so great or reliable that you can trust her immediately to take care of your child on day(s) you have to travel for business.


It will most likely take you a minimum of 6 weeks to find a helper. In most cases, it will take longer, especially if you are fussy, and you should be fussy. Don't expect a great referral to just land on your lap.


After you've hired a helper, it also takes time for you to trust that helper with your home and your child. You want the option of finding a new helper if necessary, and you won't have that luxury if you are about to start a new, demanding job. There are always going to be situations where you have to rely on someone to be the sole overnight caregiver, but those should be exceptional circumstances in my opinion. I'm sure it happens all the time here in Hong Kong, but I doubt it happens with newly hired helpers.


Just my two cents.


nkj, you should also visit the Domestic Helpers channel on this site if you haven't already, and good luck.

nkj


I returned to full time work 4 weeks ago, my helper started 1 week before ( but I had great references and she was from someone I knew).

I have lived by one concrete rule only during this time -

Always be the first and last person your baby sees. So- I get up at 6, feed, play, go to work. We ALWAYS baths the baby, regardless of the time we come home ( within reason). Our helper does not do the bath, ever. We put the baby to bed. Even if she is in the flat, the first and last hours of his day are ours. She does not sit and watch us, just goes off and does other things.

we both travel alot also- but find one of us is around and we just make allowances.

I personally dont think I will ever get over the guilt, but have realised I need to work, and have made peace with myself.

Plus- the rules always change. Every day we find something we want do be done a different way etc. as long as your helper communicates with you, you can change the routines and rules anytime. Its a learning curve for both of you. Good luck.

One last thing- I have read complaints here re: helpers over the years. Mainly in terms of not getting the job done etc. People seem to forget that helpers were not always a part of life, day care and family help would have been the norm. We put huge pressure on these women to maintain a perfect environment for peanuts pay, when really, you should focus on the upbringing and development of your child. So what if she cant cook? get her a book. Its easy and you will both adapt to each other. Remember how hard it was for you to juggle baby and home at the beginning . I did this for 5 months alone and struggled, but in the end, decided the house did not need to be sparkling every day. I know it is generally harder for expats to manage without their families, but remember always that your child is more important than whether your bed has been made. OK, lecture over!

By the way, my gorgeous boy laughs and gurgles and generally goes mental with excitement when we get home. Don't worry about them forgetting who you are- they never would.