EAST MEETS/CLASHES WEST?

I have been working in Hong Kong for almost and year now and my boyfriend from the States have recently moved here to be with me. i felt really selfish for asking him to move here, so I waited for him to suggest it. We both discussed the fact that he really doesn't have much to lose by being here (mediocre job, average rented accommodation). If anything, this would be a fresh start for him and a potential opportunity for a career change.


Before the actual move, I made it very clear for him that he should put away enough savings to survive on because it could be some time before he finds work here. He took my advice, well, sort of, and brought about ten thousand Hong Kong. He's managed so far since he's staying with me and doesn't have any real expenses. He's upgrading himself at the moment by taking a couple of courses (which I've helped him pay for) and going to job interviews during the week while I'm at work. He does the occassional chore around our flat when he's not too "drained".


We haven't had much in terms of a social life because I am trying to be considerate towards his limited finances. When I suggest doing something and even paying for it, he would say somthing like, "That's okay, I'd just suffer," However, recently, he is no longer refusing such offers. I hate to say it, but I feel somewhat taken for granted.


Some may call this love, or simply helping someone in a time of need. You see, what makes it difficult is the fact that I have been brought up with VERY traditional Asian values (though I was born in America) and the men should "take care" of the women. I mean, my immediate family is keeping the fact that he is staying with me "hush hush" because they are ashamed of the fact that I am letting a man live with me for free. I find myself lying to them each time they ask about who pays for what. I know that Westerners think it's completing fine to support the guy if the situation calls for it.


So, my question is, should I continue picking up the tab because this is what TRUE love is about or let him know that he has to stop being the charity case in the relationship? If it's the latter, how can I do so and not sound like coldhearted.

Hmm tough one...i think it really depends how much you really love this guy and if you are planning to be with him for the rest of your life. I also think you need to consider really how much effor he is putting into finding a job. Keep in mind he will need to find a company who is willing to sponsor a visa for him which can be more restricting and not easy in some areas.

Its a tough call but the longer it bothers you the more resentment you will feel leading you to be unhappy in the relationship.

Now you have offered so you need to accept that but i think there are limits and he should really be mking extra efforts in all other aspects.

I would bring up the point the he really needs to find a job as its difficult for you to cover the expenses for 2 people and although you love him and want him around if he cant contribute soon you both may need to reconsider your situation.

Dman pretty much sums it up. Yes, you offered...but not forever. My current b/f was out of work when I first met him and I paid for many of the things we did together. I did not mind, as it was the only way I could see him (LDR and all) but I know it bothered him.


I would not say Westerners are COMPLETELY fine with the idea of paying for our men. We do it, yes, but for some, it is difficult as well. We also make it clear that it is not forever. Money is tough subect to talk about with most people.


How to do it? This is the toughy, bc money talks are not easy. You can ask him how his job hunting is going, mention that you need some assistance with rent/bills/social events.


Try to approach it in a manner-of-fact fashion. You may feel taken for granted, but try to keep that part out of it. Write down the monthly expenses and show it to him in black and white.


Good luck!

I do not this it is a big deal if you are helping him out while he gets settled. I was in a similar situation with my fiance (at the time) a number of years ago when I moved from one country to another to be with her. It took me over half a year to find work. I'm western and she is HK Chinese so we had the cultural differences (and her family was not telling anyone we were living together) Obviously there were some tense moments, especially as I was being rather picky about work as I had pretty good career in finance before. Our wedding even happened before I had a job lined up. (I'm sure it was challenging for her Chinese parents to accept she was marrying an unemployed western bum at the time, although they were always nice to me).


Fast forward over five years to today. I have an extremely good and high paying job. My wife works part time but only when she wants to for the social aspect of work.


So she looked after me for half a year when I moved to be with her and I will be looking after her for the rest of our lives. I don't think it really matters who is providing the income provided that both people are happy. It didn't bother me very much when she was supporting me and it doesn't bother me now that I pay for the house, all our expenses and give her our money to manage but then money is not the important to us.