Should I loosen up???

If you regard an individual who uses drugs even though he "knows it upsets" you as a "great father" and role model for your son, you're probably loose enough already.

It's your life and family, but there is a reason drugs destroy families. It's not rumor. And, the fact you are posting here, screams that you're reaching out for help or reassurance of some kind. Don't think you're going to get anyone here who condones your husband's behavior. Rather, to be harshly honest, I think it irresponsible to bring children in the world if you are a drug user. I have first-hand knowledge of this with two family members, and it destroys lives and families -- CHILDREN ARE THE GREATEST VICTIMS -- LIFELONG victims. It's not "JUST" pot.


And, forget the slow brain. That's obvious. It's that he can't even discipline himself, fundamentally, so how can he discipline his children. I would smoke pot if my parents did. I wouldn't think it necessary to "feed my brain" with an education if my own father is sizzling his. Kids are smarter than we are in many ways -- they know and pick up everything -- because their minds are not tainted. This is a good way to get them to start though. This and years of therapy and hatred towards his parents.


If you didn't let him smoke pot around you while you were pregnant, it's OK to smoke pot after the child is born but not in front of you and your children? Sorry, lost you here. It's not just about health.


And, if I knew a child's parent was doing drugs once a week or once a month or whenver (nothing is secret), I would never let my child play with that child. Leave my child in the care of a pot smoker? Forget it. And trust me, once it gets out, your children will have few playmates.


Get him help and get him to stop. You write lightly about this, but it is terribly serious business. You stop being a kid once you become a parent. Sounds like neither of you have made this transition.


A "great father" does not smoke pot. Makes me laugh. I have been told that repeatedly about the fathers who have the same habit and ruined the lives of those around them.


This is a wonderful forum and a supportive one, but when I read about drug use as being acceptable around children in any form, I cannot contain my anger. Please excuse me.


Last, I do not want to simply criticize; I would prefer to be constructive. Therefore, if you would like to PM me, I would be more than happy to "talk" with you. I can share with you my personal observations about this situation within my extended family.

I agree with Kooni - at what point do you think your husband will be noticed by his son? Teenage years are hard enough to cope with without having the added burden of telling your child no to drugs while dad is out the back getting stoned. (or has been in his earlier life - which the child will remember if he remembers smells).


When children come along there are sacrifices we need to make to make sure our small charges become nice human beings when they get big. Some people give up smoking, some people give up swearing, and yes some people give up their drug habit.


I think you do need to talk this one out and why ..babe is only 8 months old - he will now begin to notice things that will stay with him forever.


And you need to decide what will happen if he doesn't stop - no sex while the pot smoking is continuing? - the women of ancient greece used this one to stop wars (and it worked). It is a trust issue as well.

How much pot usage are we talking about?


Agree that it is hard to associate the words "great father" with "pot smoker", but I really doubt a joint here and there is going to fry the guy's brains like some are saying here.


But it is a role model issue. If the society in which you choose to live frowns upon pot usage, then it is a problem (for everyone). If on the other hand, you live in Amsterdam or similarly "enlightened" cities or amongst some tribes in the Amazon basin, then you probably don't have a problem.


Hate to add that it's really your own fault to put yourself and your son in this situation. This guy was smoking pot before he met you and before you got married. People rarely ever change overnight and sometimes never at all.

Bottom line is that parents should uphold the law in the society they choose to live in. If you cannot respect your own country's laws, you've got bigger issues to deal with.


Further, alcohol abuse is equally as bad. Would you let your child play in a home supervised by an alcoholic? And, if I saw a parent inappropriately wasted the previous night in Lan Kwai Fong, I certainly wouldn't want my child to socialize in that person's home. Different values than my own.


When you become a parent, you represent your entire family. You protect your children within your home because the world is tough enough.


A parent must ALWAYS be there for his/her child. That is the biggest responsibility once we decide to become parents. It's challenging enough to be a good parent when everything is good. We strive to maintain stability and security in the home. What if you have a bad day? You cannot take that out on your child. Then, what if you're high or drunk, your child has had a bad day, and, therefore, needs you particularly more? He will never forget how you treated him or how you were. Certainly not lucid, coherent, caring, patient, sympathetic... Further, he will never forget the first and every subsequent time he is rejected from a playdate because of something his parents did.


I hate to sound so judgemental, but this IS a big deal and you should deal with it as such.

Ruth,



The same thing as if you substitute the words swimming, snorkelling, or bookbinding. The crucial difference is that these (like drinking alcohol) are not criminal activities in HK. Whether or not they should be is neither here nor there.



I don't care if my wife drinks vodka in Moscow or smokes pot in Amsterdam. But I would certainly care if she drank vodka in Mecca or took drugs in Singapore