Posted by
Wheelymate
20 yrs ago
This is really more of a rant but keen to know how parents in general feel about this.
Like many parents on this forum, we have been working very hard to introduce a routine to our baby. Naps are a hit and miss but his bedtime has been very regular - 7pm. Especially in the past week, we put him in bed after his milk at about 6.30pm, leave and when we come in again at 7pm to check, he is asleep.
I am Chinese Singaporean married to a British and for many local parents, 7pm bedtime for their babies is not a norm. Most tend to let their babies sleep when they go to bed at 10-11pm. But even before baby's birth, hubby and I agreed that 7pm bedtime would be the best arrangement - he has 12 hours of sleep and we get time to ourselves.
This evening, I visited my grandma's and we left after 7pm. Baby had a big meltdown in the car but passed out immediately when we put him in the cot - our routine worked obviously. But my relatives complained as we left that it was ridiculous to have a 7pm bedtime in his cot - how will they ever see him and how will anyone be able to help babysit if he can only fall asleep in his cot, that we should focus on training him to sleep anywhere.
I am baffled by this - after all my hard work to get him to bed at 7pm, people are telling me it's wrong??? What to do??? Anyone out there with a similar experience???
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mrsl
20 yrs ago
Not just cultural, I'm afraid! Had the same problems with my inlaws (English) in the UK. I wsa deemed an over-protective, selfish and anti-social mother(they have not quite stretched to unfit). Obviously they have all had children themselves (my husband). I am not sure why, but they seem to forget what it was like to have children a few decades later. We just persevered, in spite of their comments. One look at how unhappy the children were when they were overtired and we knew that sticking to bedtimes was the right thing to do for our children. We had some flexibility with the day nap as they would bothe sleep in the car or buggy, so we just worked lunch around that, but we could never delay bedtime by more than an hour. It sounds as if what you are doing is working for your child, so people will have to come to terms with it - once your son is older, you will have an easier time keeping him up late every now and then for social occassion without the unbearable meltdown.
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@@
20 yrs ago
I think the most important issue is that the children of all ages get enough sleep. I think most kids at two years need about 13 hours a day including a nap (richard Ferber).
My 2 year old only needs 11-12 a day and doesn't day time nap anymore. She is happy and a very settled child. Then my 5 year old needs between 11-13 hours a night!
I read recently something in the SCMP (I think) about HK kids not getting enough sleep, that's then so hard when it comes to schooling.
Frankly, I think do what works for you and I have to agree it is so nice to have time with your husband everyday.
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I would say it makes no difference whatsoever when they sleep.... as long as they get 11-12 hours in total, somehow.
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TC1
20 yrs ago
I also support Wheelmate for early bedtime. It's good for both the parents & babies. Read the book "Healthy sleep habits, happy child". You will be glad you are not the only one who make this decision & how good it is to your baby.
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Take a walk around causeway bay on any given weekend after 10pm, even 11pm, and you will see parents walking around with their babies/toddlers in tow. It's insane.
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Take a walk around causeway bay on any given weekend after 10pm, even 11pm, and you will see parents walking around with their babies/toddlers in tow. I could understand that some parents work late and often and would otherwise not have time to spend with their children, but I just think it's insane whenever I see it.
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kooni
20 yrs ago
Dear Wheelymate,
So glad you posted this. I've been in the exact same boat for both my children. My critical mom doesn't understand most of what I do in terms of structure and routine. Same complaints... won't be able to sleep elsewhere, can't travel anywhere, will wake up with any noise, can't sleep when bright out... I have to physically stop her from waking my children during their naps because she just wants to go and play with them. When we are staying with her, she screams outside their door (calling for someone)during nap time. Ugh. List goes on and on. My rant...
Sometimes I get attitude from my in-laws about it too. That my children will never be able to go to a Christmas Party because they are asleep by 7PM -- my children are 2 years and 6 months. Overly-dramatic.
I have just kept telling myself that my children are far better adjusted than I was. And, the support of my husband is invaluable.
You're not alone. Thank you for the post!
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TC1
20 yrs ago
Early bed time & quiet nap time are very important to baby. You don't provide your baby junk food, so you sure don't want to give them junk sleep. Nappings in the car are not the same quality sleeping as in their cots. Most of my HK friends call me crazy but I don't care. I do what I think is best for the baby.
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Stick with what you are doing becasue you are the ones who have to deal with it everyday - and tell the grandparents if they want a play thing to get a doll or have another baby themselves!. There will be plenty of time later when baby will stay up later. Is this first grandchild??
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Thanks for all the posts and support!
Yes, first grandchild and great-grandchild of the family so they are naturally excited. i do feel blessed that so many people are eager to play with him. but can't they respect that he is only 15 and need his sleep??? my parents are still amazed that i put him in bed when his eyes are wide open, saying that i'm forcing him to sleep and that this home is like a military camp. urgghhhh. as much as possible, i want him in his cot esp. for bedtime. he's only 15 weeks so he can't crawl his way out...but if he never learns that this is bedtime, can you imagine when he can walk and refuses to sleep? he'll climb out of cot/bed for sure and what can i do then?? alot of my family are just keen on short term pleasures/solution...e.g. my mom thinks it's easy to nap/bed him on the bouncy chair cos the rocking effect puts him to sleep. but he'll outgrow it in a few months, what will happen then????
i mean, i know during festive seasons and special times, he'll just have to come out and might be abit grumpy, or i might need to pat him to sleep in his pram. and when he is toddling, i think it'll be ok if once in awhile we go out, taking him along and he can sleep later- by then he's older, more energetic and have a good time outsidw without a meltdown. but if it's just any other day, why should i deprive my son of a good night's sleep?
tsuiwah: absolutely, my aunt was commenting that she's seen so many parents bringing their babies out for midnight suppers (singaporeans are big on food) and she's v impressed with that. not me!
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i meant 15 weeks old...not 15....
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Well at 15 I would have different thoughts but for a 15 week old - just do what you are doing - you are the boss of your child and just smile sweetly and tell them straight - this is the way we are going to do things - you had a chance to do what you thought was right with me (or husband) now it is our turn!
If they want to play - have them visit earlier in the day when he is awake.
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dimac4,
exactly! that's what my husband said - if they're so keen to see baby, they should visit us instead so that baby can nap or go to sleep in the cot when he is tired. but at the same time, it's so hard to do this without hurting anyone's feelings...the last thing i want is to have my relatives make comments like "oh, so you married a westerner and you have do it their way and we never get to see the baby...." think one of my aunt was already hinting that!
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Hi Mummybee,
Thanks for your comments. I agree flexibility needs to be exercise. We are pretty much flexible in the day. This is because baby's naps are erratic, so staying in or out doesn't make a difference, so might as well go out! If I have to wait until he naps properly in the day, I'll never see daylight again. But because his naps are so erratic (don't ask me why, i've tried everything), he needs his sleep at night. Which is why I have to be quite strict about it. And he does have a meltdown if he doesn't go to sleep at 7pm. My social life is limited too. If he could be happy to stay up past 7pm sometimes, it will actually be good for me. Sadly, he is not the sort of baby, for the time being! :)
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Oh Mummybee,
Just read your post again...please don't mistake my intentions :). My thread was created not to pass judgement on babies with late bedtimes. My thread was created to rant about people who don't respect babies' bedtimes, late or not. it just so happens that mine sleeps at 7pm and because my cousins were cheery and happy beyond 7pm, my relatives don't understand. great if that happens but mine isn't able to stay cheery and happy beyond 7pm...maybe my relatives would think twice about passing judgement if they witnessed his meltdown in the car yesterday, my dad could hardly drive with all the noise!
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bw
20 yrs ago
Wheelymate I think what you are doing for your baby is right because it is what works for you and your husband.
But I agree with Mummybee that I wouldn't judge other moms and their babies' late bedtimes. There was a time when my son used to take a nap from 4:00 pm to 7:00 pm. There was no way he could have an early bedtime. I couldn't change his naptime either. It lasted for about a year and then he gave up that naptime altogether and now has an early bedtime. Inspite of his late bedtime I hardly went out and had no social life to speak of but that's my choice. Each to his own.
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Haven't read all the posts but just sharing nmy experience.
My 19-mth old goes to bed normally at around 8-8.30pm, and sleeps for around 11-12 hours (also has a 2-hr nap in the afternoon). Sometimes he stays up late, if we are out at the weekend, for example, but this is the exception. We find it works very well - we have time to ourselves in the evening, he is well rested and happy, and on the occasions he's up late he handles it well. I can't imagine what it would be like if he stayed up until I went to bed every night - I would be a nervous wreck.
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i think you are just abit protecive.just follow your routine ,and be happy.
take it easy.people must have love your kid to want to see him longer.if they are critical,just laugh it off.They are just finding your kid adorable and want to spend more time with him.
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C
20 yrs ago
Wheelymate, Just share with you what we're doing: naptimes may vary, but our son has been keeping a regular bedtime (between 8-8:30) since he was about 3 months (he's 7 months now). He's up at ~7:30, which means he gets ~11.5 hrs/night + naps. This routine works for us for the same reason others have mentioned. However I know what you mean about the "external factors". Sadly, there have been times when some folks have commented similar to yours, but I just brush these off; after all, he's our son, and we'll be living with the consequences otherwise. I end up being the "bad cop" and my wife just tells our guests they've got to come visit earlier if they want to see the baby. If we are out, he still follows his pattern, although he's not able to sleep as easily in his stroller, he still manages. BTW, my wife is local HK and I am not.
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Thanks all for your comments...yah we've decided to ignore the relatives' comments, at the end of the day, it's our baby. but on my part, i'll try to be more flexible too e.g. visit my grandparents on weekday afternoons so that they can see him. and for special ocassions like chinese new year/x'mas/grandparents' birthdays, he's just going to have to bite the bullet and sleep outside when he wants to!
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Do what's best for both of you and the baby. Both my wife & I understand your predicament as our little one is arriving in October.
We agreed that our relatives and such should visit us in China should they want to see the baby, our parents included.
Both are Singaporeans (I live in Australia though)and have relatives in Malaysia too. Things can be that messy!
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