we are married for almost 2 years now and we have been having little or NO s*x at all (the last time was about 1/2 year ago). I know he loves me a lot and he will not cheat on me. I have talked to him about this but he says relationship and love is not only about s*x. That I understand but it doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any at all!!! I am so confused whether he has lost intereste in me or what he says "he doesn't need it"! What should I do if I need it???!!!
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I think you should talk to him again and solve it because, does he know there are 2 people in a marraige, if he is not getting it from somewhere else, maybe he has a problem, but for goodness sake, you guys are married you need to get to the bottom of it. if not leave him and buy a rabbit!
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why does she have to leave him? she can stick it out, take care of herself (with or without a rabbit!), and he can even help her do that, whilst they work together on their problem.
strawcarrie, have you tried counseling? is your husband open to it? or does he not see this as a problem?
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Voiceofreason, thanks for your advice. No, we haven't gone for any counselings as he doesn't sees anything wrong. I have talked to him on this and have expressed my concerns but still he is not open to share his thoughts with me. NO! I don't want to leave him either!
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Has this only been a problem for the past 6 months? Was your sex life "normal" before, and did he have a healthy interest in sex, or did he have a low sex drive? If the problem has only been in the past few months, is he stressed at all due to work load, could he be depressed (there's not always an outward sign of this), or maybe he has a possible medical problem that he's embarrassed to discuss with you? Whatever the reason, you need to get to the bottom of it. He may not see it as a problem (although after only 2 years of marriage it seems rather unusual), but obviously you do, you are missing the closeness and intimacy with your husband, and in most marriages that is very important. You need to speak to him frankly about this, but whatever you do, don't criticise him in any way or make him feel inadequate. Let him know how upset you feel how you miss being intimate with him. If he won't give you any answers and isn't prepared to see a counseller about this, then go alone to discuss it with someone. After only 2 years of marriage this is too important to just let it go. Good luck.
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Mrs.X, my husband has always been low on sex drive. I will talk to him again but I just feel that it is useless since I have done this many times.
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I guess the fact that your husband has always had a low sex drive hasn't been an issue in the past, but now that he's totally uninterested in sex it is naturally a problem, and quite rightly so.
Even if he doesn't feel the need to have sex, he should not expect you to go without it for the rest of your married life. This is totally unfair and selfish on his part and you need to let him know how you feel. Of course love is not only about sex, but a big part of being married and in love is usually about being close and intimate with each other. Tell him you understand that he has a low sex drive and doesn't 'need' sex, but also tell him that you do have a need for it and that you are sad that you have lost that intimacy. You need to discuss it and sort things out, either between the two of you or by visiting a councillor.
If you truly love each other and want to make your marriage work, then this isn't "useless". Don't let him fob you off any longer, he's not being fair to you, marriage is between two people and if one half's not happy then you need to sort things out.
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Thanks for your advice Mrs.X and for once I feel that someone else fully understand my heart! Sometimes when I discuss this with friends they think I should leave him and that he is selfish ... but really, I don't need to hear that! What I need is advice and directions... thanks!
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tia
20 yrs ago
Strawcarrie, my lovely boyfriend is also one of those odd men who suffers from a lower than average s!x drive. I know the cause of said problem, as it is medical and I have been trying to deal with it...just as he is trying to help me out as well.
If your hubby's problem is medical (Depression, erectile disfunction) you need to get that looked into. No, it is NOT fair that you do not get anything out of the deal. HE may not need it, as he says, but you do...and he should help. With the boyfriend, we have had nights that have been *all about me* because he understands that it is important to me.
You have to talk about it and find out why this is happening. No, s!x is not the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is a large part of one and can lead to bigger problems if not taken care of.
If he won't talk to you alone, I suggest therapy as well.
Good luck.
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Tia, thanks! Nope, it's not anyhthing to do with medical problem that I know for sure! With his behaviour, it is somewhat decreasing my self-confident too! I sometimes wonders if it's because of my body not attractive enough?! Whether it is because of my age? or something to do with me to cause this happening... He is a really good husband. Very caring and sweet but I am just so lost whether our marriage will end because of no s*x?! If so, then it's so sad!!! I am not saying I want to end our marriage because of this, but like Tia suggested, this can lead to many other problems... and it is slowly doing so.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Yeah, it does do some nasty damage to your psyche as well. I know that the first few times I got turned down, I was devestated. Gutted. I finally mustered the courage to talk to him about it and make him talk to me and find out WHY. I went through all the I'm not pretty/skinny/good/exciting enough self-loathing and I could not do it anymore.
Chances are, it has NOTHING to do with you. It is his issue, his problem...but he needs to find away to make you BOTH happy...that is what happens in healthy relationships.
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I totally agree with tia, you need to find a way to make you both happy. I can see this from the other side of the coin - my husband has a very high sex drive, and I don't mind admitting that mine is pretty low, which he knows. Don't get wrong, I do enjoy it, but I don't feel the need for it as often as he does (which is usually every morning and every night!). Most of the time I much prefer to have some extra beauty sleep!LOL However, I do appreciate that he has his needs more often than I do, and I'm more than happy to give him some "extra attention" ... because I love him and wouldn't want him to feel rejected in any way. This is what you need to discuss and explain to him. Tell him you feel sad and rejected, and tell him you need to sort things out between you. Marriage is a partnership, it shouldn't be all one-sided.
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Tia, Mrs.X... I have sent him an e-mail last night. Just wanted to try new things since I have talked to him many times on this topic. I don't want him to feel annoyed! Let's see what he will do about it now. I will keep you 2 inform on this. Wish me luck!
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Strawcarrie - Good luck with the talking, you say he's a nice guy and a good husband, you obviously love each other, so I'm sure you can work things out between you.
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tia
20 yrs ago
Good luck! Keep us posted.
I agree with Mrs X....love is essential and a good relationship is important. You will work it out.
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PDQ, THANKS! I will check it out today.
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