I'm going nuts!

My mom who is staying with me till december to help with the bubba, is TOTALLY disrespectful of my need for a schedule. I keep having arguments with her because of it, so much so that I have given instructions to the maid to follow the schedule and have written it up and pasted it on the fridge.


Today I went to sleep at 2:30 leaving my mom to play with baby, after making her promise to bring him to me at 3pm for a feed, regardless of whether he was sleeping or not. She wakes me up at 3:30 after having let bubs sleep for 45 minutes, totally out of schedule (he'd just slept at 12:30 to 1:30). As a result, he fed at 3:30, was not hungry enough at his next feed at 6:30, but already falling asleep during bath time at 6pm (ordinarily he would have had a catnap between 4:45 to about 5:15 to keep him going till 6:30 or 7).


I'm sooooooo frustrated with her. I'm back at work in September and just dont know how to handle this, knowing that she'll totally do her own thing for feeds and sleep times and screw up my schedule, leaving me tired, sleepless and desperate!


I've told the maid that she is now in charge of sticking to the timings and explained to her the importance of baby having good rests and space in between feeds so he eats well and doesnt fall asleep at the wrong time, and so that I get rest so I can produce milk!!!


How can I get through to my mom? She insists that its bad to wake a sleeping baby, refuses to acknowledge the experts advice or read the books I have and keeps on saying that she had 4 kids yadayadyada, but she never went to work like I do!


arrrrrrrrrrrgh.

I reckon junior is 2-5 months old.


Disciplining your mother is going to be a tough one, and expecting your helper to hold the line against your mother is not realistic. If after you have a sitdown with your mom and she still doesn't listen to you, then your only other option is to tell her to pack her bags or just accept her approach. I don't see a middle ground.

Hmmm, I am going to risk it and say it.... I agree with your mom's philosophy. my two peds, and I and my helpers all agree that it's not good to wake a sleeping baby for feeding UNLESS it's way past his eating time like say, if on BF, every 2 hours, the baby sleeps for 4 hours... then time to wake him up. But your mom just let him sleep 45 minutes... and was 1 hour behind your set schedule.


If your baby is sleepy, (which is why he fell asleep in the first place), he won't feed well anyways. At least that is my cases ..... never can get them to finish eating if they fall asleep. Rather, it's better for the baby to sleep as much as he needs, then wake up refresh for milk.


As your baby keeps growing the "schedule" will change, and although I have a schedule too for the babies, I believe you also need to be flexible or you will go crazy trying to control everything.


When you go to work in September, I presume you will express your milk, so your baby will tell the caregivers when he's hungry, and when's sleepy. They are very smart!


Don't worry too much, and enjoy having your mom around to help you, you're very blessed.

I think your Mom know's best too, dont bang your head against the wall with such a strick schedule. Go with the flow and enjoy your baby and Mum!. Wish I had my Mum here with me too but unfortunately I lost her in 2001 and she never got to see my 2 kids.

hi ftm,


firstly, i agree with the above posts that your routine doesn't have to that strict. we all want routines to help us plan the day but flexibility is important as well. for example, maybe you draw up a schedule for your helper and mum but allowing for 30 minutes before or after nap or feed (or whatever activity) for it to actually happen. so for example, if you plan to feed at 3pm but baby naps til 3.30pm, that's not a problem. just make the adjustments accordingly. they are not robots, things don't have to be 200% rigid.


that said, i totally understand your feelings about your mum. my mum helped ALOT during the 1st 2 months of bub's life. i am eternally grateful to her BUT there are times when she drove (and still drives me) nuts about disrespect for schedules. but because i was so helpless the 1st 2 months, i gave in. now that i am coping on my own as a fulltime stay home mum, i am more in control and know my bub's needs. my mum still tries to interfere and mess up my routine - e.g. when she babysits in the day, baby winds up having naps in anything but his cot, feeds are given too early (i mean 1 hour earlier sometimes, just cos he cries, she thinks he needs a bottle to be settled - he doesn't), evening baths given at 4pm instead of usual 6pm, extra bottles in the night even though he has been sleeping through from 10.30pm to 7am since about 3 months, bedtime past 7pm (why so early, his eyes are still wide open). just over the weekend, i came home after my wedding anniversary dinner and found a bottle of formula milk prepared..mum explained she thought she wanted to give him a feed at 9pm (why???!!!! he feeds at 6pm, sleeps at 7pm, dream feed at 10.30-11pm) but he didn't wake up (duh, why would he)!!???


and these days, when mum and dad play with bub, they will say things like your mum runs this house like a military camp (just cos he goes to bed at 7pm everynight). i resent that comment and i have told mum that as bub gets older and can actually understand, not to say such things because consistency is important. they can spoil him when they are together BUT don't throw a negative light to how i look after him because it will make it tough for me to discipline him next time.


so you know what i do these days? i do need my mum's help to babysit but i keep it to a minimum these days (bub's bigger and more mobile so he goes most places with me). in other words, she is not a caregiver to my bub, her role is to be fun grandma. so when she comes over to look at him, it is during a period of the day when it is playtime and he doesn't need to feed/nap, letting them play to their heart's content, no need to be concerned about routines, etc.


just to share my experience so hang in there. you need her support for now so work towards a compromise during her stay that can give you a routine and make her feel like she's really participating as grandma. she is trying to help, just not the way you want her so try to understand her side too.

I'm all for putting a baby on a schedule even so mine wasn't that super strict but allowed +/- 20 minutes. It was the best for my baby who slept through the night after 10 weeks and I can could set the clock after him when it came to waking up, feeding times and going to bed. Kept me sane and make it much easier when you go back to work. At least you know that when you rush home from work to spend some precious time with the little one that he/she will be awake. No offense to people who like the demand feeding/sleeping schedule but it didn't work me for. Regarding your mum, as tsuiwah already mentioned, you cannot expect your helper to stand up against her. Sit her down, talk to her and if she doesn't want to understand then there's no real alternative but to send her home. This has nothing to do with loving/missing or wishing your mum would be around. I think she will understand how important your way of raising your baby is if you firmly explain it to her. My mum was shocked that I woke my little baby every night at 10/10:30 to feed him even so he was deep asleep. But once she realized how effective a schedule can be she happily agreed.

I understand where you are coming from.


I had 10 weeks of maternity leave and had to return to work (to pay the rent). Although I made arrangements to work from home so I could continue to breast feed, I had regular schedule meetings - both on the phone and in town.

As a result, being on a schedule was very very important - without it I would not have been able to work and continue to breast feed.

My meetings are all scheduled around feed times. Saying that I have a +/- 15 minute allowance for the scheduled times (the first 2 months it was 30)


In the ideal world, I would never have pushed the schedule so early on my baby. But that 10 week deadline was looming over us every day.


I tried to set realistic goals each month for the schedule - I did not force it all at once, but had it on an 'accelerated' gradual introduction.


If your mum was only staying with you for a few weeks, I would say relax and let grandma have her special time. But since she is with you until December, it is a different situation.


I suggest you talk to your mother. If she is pro-breast feeding (if not, you need to educate her gently of the benefits), and understands that you MUST return to work and need the schedule to do that she might be more helpful.


Also, do listen to the posts above - schedules do not work perfectly, they look great on paper but that rarely happens in real life. For us, even at 7 months now, our feeds are right on schedule most days, but our naps are never what we wish they were. But for me, feeds were more important (as per above).


I hope you can have a good chat with your mother, and her presence at your home HELPS you over the next few months - especially with the transition back to work.


Good luck, and try not to stress too much.

I think you are putting your helper in a very difficult situation by asking her to control your mother when you can't.... I am sure you have sat her down to talk to her about it maybe you need your husband's support to in discussing this with your mother.

I understand the stress of trying to get a baby onto a schedule, especially if you have to go back to work so soon (stupid HK labour laws...). You feel that if you can't get some sort of schedule going then you will just totally lose control of everything. But i do agree with the others that one can get a bit obsessed with it - I had that (stupid) Contented Baby book - and it really stressed me out. Of course in a perfect world it sounds great, but honestly...


Tell your mother that you appreciate her help but things have changed and you want to bring up your child your way, not hers... A lot of mothers are like this - luckily mine just came and told me she had forgotten everything about babies and was sure things had changed anyway, so asked me to just tell her what I wanted her to do.


Also, do remember the earlier advice that even when you think you have a perfect schedule working, the little monster will decide to change it for you...

Hi, I have babies 16 months apart and had to study aswell so I know what sleep deprivation is like.

Let me just reassure you that this stage passes and even though you are worried about the schedule, you need to give yourself a break and relax a little. It is known that being too legalistic about schedules can cause alot of uneeded stress and even depression and feelings of guilt. I know you need sleep, but it will come and being out of schedule by half and hour here and there won't effect it too much.

My 8 month old wouldn't feed if woken from naps for feeds, so I learnt to let him sleep unless he was more than an hour off schedule.

My 2 year old slept thru 7 to 7am at 9 weeks old. But my 8 month old didn't consistently till 7 months. They are all different.


Maybe back off your mother and see what she does for a couple of days, and if it really isn't working then tell her that the baby is not coping with having no schedule and needs the familiarity of set times to be happy and content and without it life becomes more difficult for everyone.

Perhaps if she sees that it doesn't work so well she'll be more helpful.

Hi, I have babies 16 months apart and had to study aswell so I know what sleep deprivation is like.

Let me just reassure you that this stage passes and even though you are worried about the schedule, you need to give yourself a break and relax a little. It is known that being too legalistic about schedules can cause alot of uneeded stress and even depression and feelings of guilt. I know you need sleep, but it will come and being out of schedule by half and hour here and there won't effect it too much.

My 8 month old wouldn't feed if woken from naps for feeds, so I learnt to let him sleep unless he was more than an hour off schedule.

My 2 year old slept thru 7 to 7am at 9 weeks old. But my 8 month old didn't consistently till 7 months. They are all different.


Maybe back off your mother and see what she does for a couple of days, and if it really isn't working then tell her that the baby is not coping with having no schedule and needs the familiarity of set times to be happy and content and without it life becomes more difficult for everyone.

Perhaps if she sees that it doesn't work so well she'll be more helpful.

Hi, I have babies 16 months apart and had to study aswell so I know what sleep deprivation is like.

Let me just reassure you that this stage passes and even though you are worried about the schedule, you need to give yourself a break and relax a little. It is known that being too legalistic about schedules can cause alot of uneeded stress and even depression and feelings of guilt. I know you need sleep, but it will come and being out of schedule by half and hour here and there won't effect it too much.

My 8 month old wouldn't feed if woken from naps for feeds, so I learnt to let him sleep unless he was more than an hour off schedule.

My 2 year old slept thru 7 to 7am at 9 weeks old. But my 8 month old didn't consistently till 7 months. They are all different.


Maybe back off your mother and see what she does for a couple of days, and if it really isn't working then tell her that the baby is not coping with having no schedule and needs the familiarity of set times to be happy and content and without it life becomes more difficult for everyone.

Perhaps if she sees that it doesn't work so well she'll be more helpful.

Wow, thanks so much for all your helpful responses, nice to know I'm not alone!!


Bubba's 10 weeks old and is just super fantastic! Barely cries at all, and eats, pees, poos and sleeps like an angel.


Actually, I'm not a fanatic about sleeping schedules, more feeding schedules, like Cri; and like Wheelymate, my mom tells everyone that I'm always waking sleeping baby etc etc, and I DONT!! The bubbs has a body like clockwork, and wakes promptly for his feed, but his naps tend to be flexible, and he only sleeps for max 40-45 minutes at a time. Sometimes he catnaps, and thats what the afternoon nap should've been. On the rare occasions when I have to wake him (somehow its only my mom that has him oversleeping, it never happens with me, why is this???) I do it gradually, opening the curtains, kissing him gently and leaving the door open. She doesnt even try, just lets him sleep, and because he himself is like clockwork, it really throws everything off.


Anyway, apart from that my moms wonderful and very supportive, but on these occasions, I just go ballistic. I'm dreading what she's going to do when I'm at work, bubs will be all over the place and I'm going to be like a bear with sore head!!

Hi Firsttimemom -


I totally understand your stress. Different generations have different approaches to raising kids - I told my mom that since I do work, a schedule is important to me. she didn't work outside of the home so she was able to accomodate the flexibility in a child's schedule, whereas for me, being able to count on certain things happening at certain times would be important. So I understand your desire to keep on schedule and whatnot.


But, being flexible is important - soon your baby will sleep a lot less (my daughter after turning six months suddenly cut an hour off of her daytime sleep.) Your routine will have to be adjusted and that's also part of going with the flow. Don't get too worked up about the little things, but empahsize to your mom why it is important. Babies who are on a routine generally go to bed easier - especially for a working mom. You'll want to know exactly what you need to do for your baby before getting him down to sleep. you come home at 6:30 and you want to be able to count on the fact that he's been bathed and just waiting for a book and a feed to go to sleep. I do think it's important to get your mom to see your point of view - she is your mom after all and you say she's supportive in all things.


Good luck!