Toddlers - Teaching Sharing

Hi -


i've gotten into a brief discussion about this with another mom and we disagreed on the concept of teaching sharing. Fortunately for me, my daughter (27 months) shares pretty well. Friends come over, she shows them all of her toys, lets them touch everything (except for one particular toy which she can get possessive over so I just take it out of the room so it's not there) and wants her friends to play with her things.


She has one friend who brings her own toys over to our place to play, but doesn't let my daughter touch them. Her mom has also mentioned to me (sort of so that I wouldnt' take it personally that her daughter wasn't being nice to mine) that Joanne (her daughter's name) doesn't share any of her toys with anyone. I asked her if it was because her toys were new, and the mom said with a laugh that it was just everything - even from the smallest pen cap to a single lego. Certainly made me reluctant to let my daughter go to her house as I'm worried my own daughter will learn how to be possessive instead of also sharing.


I've been reading about sharing, how to build it up, how to help your child when others don't share, and I feel pretty good about the progress my daughter has made. She's generous to her baby sister (giving her all of her toys) and extremely generous to friends as well with food and other treats. I'm curious as to know what parents have done with their children and their childrens' friends in situations where one is not sharing with the other. Anecdotes and real life experiences are all welcome. Any books which you feel do a great job with the topic is also a welcome addition. Thanks.

i think one of the tough things about being a parent is accepting your friends' parenting styles. personally i think this lady is setting herself up for problems by encouraging her daughter in this behaviour. however i was recalling my boys going through a biting phase. both of them did this and i tried everything to stop this behaviour. i really did. in the end they grew out of it. we just used to watch them like hawks with other kids and remove them from the situation if it looked risky.


this child will probably learn to share at kindergarten. the mother has given up for whatever reason. it's her decision- it might not be the right one, but those are the facts. i would suggest praising your daughter for sharing every time she does it (i'm sure you do already) and letting her draw her own conclusions about her friends' behaviour. kids are smart, she'll work it out that it's not nice if you don't share. and hopefully your girl will lead by example@!

it may be that your daughter has that in her from the beginning - we had 4 children and all went through some phase of being selfish (not for long though as the others soon knocked it out of them) however, one of our children has always been and still is, a very sharing person - far beyond what is expected. So it could also just be her nature playing a part - you may find a different story with your son as he gets older- or not.

Two out of three of our children I would say were average sharers - no real problems long term but went through a stage of wanting what someone else had around 2.5 - 3.5 years old. I never encouraged special toys or collecting things or placing a great value on anything physical though and still don't. Our middle boy however is a very caring sharing child and we have found that he has been praised and rewarded so much for that attitude that we now have to encourage him (age 9.5 yrs) to actually stand up and say what he wants and not defer to the needs of others over his all the time. Eventually he gets a bit despondent as he will often miss out on something he really wanted to do because he said someone else could have it or go first etc. Just a point for later on or indeed for helping your daughter ensure she is not walked over by the possesive bossy types in the years to come. Teachers (and other parents) will be only to happy to have situations of sharing resolved by your daughter doing all the giving. Our youngest daughter was starting to really take advantage of his loving nature and in the midst of sibling rivalry I too was guilty of taking the easy way out and letting him be the sharer every time. We are careful to make sure our youngest and oldest do not play on these sweet character traits and that the middle one thinks carefully about the things he really wants and speaks up!

On the attitudes of other parents - it is useless trying to convert or worrying about their attitudes - you can only try to mitigate the consequences by protecting your daughter when necessary and finding suitable play mates whenever possible. There are definitely some kids who simply do not make good friends at certain phases of their development.

Zalca, dimac4, and Ness - thank you for your posts.


It's definitely a challenge trying to raise kids to be caring, sharing, compassionate adults in a world where people don't value those things as much. I find expat culture particular hard in that way - a limited group of people with pretty strong tendencies for material goods and kids who are often given every material luxury with little hesitation. I've met many parents who don't "manage" their children's different behaviors - especially around how to play with other kids.


I'm curious what other parents have done to encourage sharing - I definitely do acknowledge my daughter when she does share well, giving her the appropriate amount of praise (since she's doing something she should do anyways, is it necessary that I praise her over the moon?)and trying to provide opportunites for her to WANT to share with others.