Posted by
RA
20 yrs ago
How do you handle other kids misbehaving with your child? I have had various instances where other parents kids have been misbehaving such as breaking something,being rude, making a nuisance or even once a 4 yr old kid pushing my 11 month old son to the floor, as a result he banged his head on the floor, and very narrowly missed the table corner. Most of the time, I haven't seen the parents reprimand their kids or even apologising. What do you do? Is it okay to scold other people's kids?
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irisw, are you serious? when my kid is bigger, i have no issues if other parents scold him if he has been mishaving but strictly hands off, thank you very much.
mine is only 7 months plus, he crawls alot and likes to pull other babies' hair and claw at their faces. he doesn't know what is happening but if i can't pull him away quickly enough, i always apologise to the parent, i think it's basic courtesy even though we all know that as 7 months old, they have no sense of what they are doing.
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I had experience once my daughter 4 yrs old and she was pushed to the ground by a 7 yrs old girl right in front of us.Her head hit on the ground I felt so bad and was so angry.After I comfort my little girl I went back to that girl and grab her infront of her parent and I just freak out in front of them.I was mad as the parents did not even say any word,I mean they just leave it that way as they say "Kids" fight.No way,not to my daughter.
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bw
20 yrs ago
My son goes to the park to play everyday and there is bound to be fighting. Even among friends. No matter who is misbehaving I always tell the child (whether mine or his friends or someone I don't know) what he/she did wrong and how they should behave. I see other parents do the same and none of us have problems with that. I wouldn't grab/yell at a child - these things happen and we have to steer the kids in the right direction without being violent ourselves.
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I agree with bw - I wouldn't grab or yell at a kid, but I would talk to them saying that they have to be careful around little ones as they are not so stable on their feet etc.
But I would seriously consider if I wanted to hang out with parents who did nothing in that situation....
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This website is really beginning to be monumentally uptight. Perhaps irisw was not actually being serious about beating someone else's child... Is there a rule somewhere that says that any flippant comments will be deleted immediately (as seems to have happened)? Is it just the parenting areas that have this issue? I can't see this kind of heavy handedness over in the other forums?
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Ed
20 yrs ago
That comment actually resulted in a ban. It did not come across as tongue in cheek to me and even it had it would have been removed... this is not a platform for would-be comedians or the expression of sarcasm.
It is for getting advice and answers. Suggesting that one 'beat the kid when no one is looking and make sure not to leave bruises' is way, way over the limit of acceptable participation.
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Ok, so on the other forums when someone asks about being an expat wife, and the replies she gets basically say that it's ok, but her husband will have affairs - that's considered 'advice and answers'? Or when people are discussing illegally exploiting domestic helpers... funny, then it goes all quiet on the editorial front.
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ainotna, to be fair, the 'all expat husbands have affairs' poster also got a ban.
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Totty
20 yrs ago
'Scold' is a very harsh word.
When my two were younmger, and even now, i actually told friends parents to discipline my children if they saw fit as this exposes children to things that are right and wrong, and hammers home the point that parents aren't just one big nag.
They have since grown into polite, well mannered children (something i'm proud of) however that's not to say that they slip every once in a while.
I used to have a friend whose daughter would insist on homing in on my daughter (she was small for her age so an easy target) and this would result in my daughter being nitten, thumped, kicked, shoved, etc.....and the 'friend' would just ease her child to the side and say a few calming words. As soo as she was finished, the child would home in on my daugter and it would happen again. One day i got sick and tired of this behaver and politley asked the mother for 'a few words'. I told her that if this continued then i would indeed bite her daughter back as i thought this behaviour was totally inappropriate and that something should be done.
I neve got the chance as her daughter hit mine, and grabbed the friends daughter and told her this was unacceptable and that she was not allowed to play. So she sat there and watched whilst the others enjoyed themselves. All the while her Mum was sat away from us enjoying coffee with another bunch of friends. The misbehaving stopped after that.
So yes, if a childs behaviour is affecting yours than i believe you have every right to have a few words with that child, and then follow it up with telling the parent what you have done.
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miso
20 yrs ago
This is a really interesting thread.
Too often these days I see kids who rule their parents/helpers and don't respect adults even when they are being told off. I find some parents just don't care or notice how their child is behaving.
It really great to see some good parents in the forum who are teaching kids right from wrong. I say it definitely okay to tell another child off but it does seem harder when that child is a friend's child!
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RA
20 yrs ago
It becomes very difficult if its a friends child. It even becomes more difficult when both your and the other kid is misbehaving and you scold only your kid. My daughter then starts questioning me as to why she was being given a lecture and not the other one.
I once had a stay over friend whose son was so naughty and as a result my daughter picked up some bad habits from him. When I asked my friend how she allowed such behaviour, she just said that because she was working, she does not get to spend quality time with her son, so whatever time she gets she does not want to waste scolding him!!
I just remembered one more situation in which my baby son had been bullyed by this 4 year old, and because the other mom didn't say anything, just before I was about to say something to the bully, the 4 yr old started howling. You should have seen the looks I got from the other moms!
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I've read a lot about scolding etc after the fact, but there's also the issue that you also have to anticipate and perhaps intervene to make sure it doesn't happen in the first place. Especially when your child is so young that they can't really anticipate the aggression or know to protect themselves in any way. I vividly remember running like an olympic sprinter through a maze of playground equipment one time when I saw another child clearly contemplating the "big bang" on my little girl. I barely made it in time but I did physically restrain the child and forcefully turn him in the other direction, yelling "bu! bu!" (I had just arrived in China and this was the sole extent of my language ability or cultural adaptation!). There's an old book called "Mother's Almanac" that calls this kind of intervention "Body English," but I guess it translates somehow! I think the bottom line is that you've just got to do whatever it takes to keep your kid from being hurt -- remove them from the situation, don't go back to that place, watch them like a hawk, scold the other parent, whatever feels right in the circumstances. I would never hit another person's child, but I've even been known to put other children on the playground in "time out" when it was bad enough. If the mommy wants to challenge that decision, then we can talk about it and SHE can deal with my anger! :-) I mean, I can be reasonable, too, and the other mommy can do her part. One time two little boys were whacking each other in what looked like a full blown fight and I started to intervene (even though neither was my child, but the physical blows could have hit another child). When I told the boys to stop, both mommies suddenly appeared and said it was fine because the boys were doing kung fu on each other. Okay, doesn't look anything like the highly disciplined martial art my daughter practices (including that she wears protective gear and spars under the guidance of a sifu), but I can back off as long as the other parent can assure me they are indeed in control of their child!
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bw
20 yrs ago
I can understand why it may be more difficult when the child is your friend's child, but that has never stopped me. I'm not yelling at the child and I'm not hitting him/her either. I've spoken firmly with my friends' kids and I know they've gone and complained to their moms too. If she has a problem with that she'll probably come and talk to me and I can explain why I did what I did. But till date none of my friends or other moms in the park have come to battle it out with me. Kids especially boys can be really boisterous and at times it helps when someone other than mom is the one doing the disciplining.
A friend of mine has a really difficult 5 year old. I can see she is doing all the right things and saying all the right things but he continues to be aggressive. Timeout, taking him away from the park kicking and screaming didn't seem to work. Guess it's a phase. I stopped sending my son to her house for playdate. If he comes over, I make sure he follows the rules. When his mom is not around he is not that confident of himself. When his mom is around he probably feels safe and so bullies.
If I gave my son a lecture for misbehaving and his friend didn't get one from his mom - I make sure I let my son know that what his friend did was also wrong and that it was his mom's job to lecture him. If they continued misbehaving even after that then the friend will get a lecture too :)
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