Relationship after pregnancy, i am lost!

But you really ought to be sure that by issuing an ultimatum of any sort that you are prepared for what night happen. I'm sorry, but this kind of behaviour might be designed to provoke some action from you that she wants but isn't prepared to initiate herself.

I sort of went through this and my husband took it upon himself to make a certain night of the week our week. We go to movies, dinner, just for a walk, or for a drink BUT every week we go out just the two of us, and it's been great.

Your wife now sees herself as a mother and may love that important job but she may also need to 'find her old self' again. How about a holiday for 2 (leave bubs at home for a couple of days), a four day stay at Chiva Som or something like that, make her centre of attention and she'll turn around.


With regards to Lady W's comment about women feeling HOT during pregnancy, i did but that was becuase i was at my biggest during Summer. I was actually scared to have sex during pregnamcy as i had suffered a few miscarriages and was petrified that if we had sex we would somehow dislodge the bubs. Obviously we did and it didn't.


Also, and most importantly, tell her how you feel, that you feel the outsider, that you feel unloved and resented and that you just want to be with her and feel love and just be intimate with her (if you do).


Good luck!

Maybe a 3 day 2 night holiday WITH you and without baby would be good, IF you are both okay leaving baby with maid?

hi camping,


i agree with christine w. for some women, it's business as usual after baby but for many, life totally changes. we love our husbands alot but there's this little thing that requires our constant attention and when baby is resting, there is either a ton of laundry waiting for me to sort out, cooking to do and of course, SLEEP.


it's not totally healthy, i admit. and very often, it takes someone else to nudge the new mother out of this mindset. we love our baby but i think the first few months before he slept through, romance was out of my mind. i was like, i want to sleep now just in case he wakes up. i didn't want to have that glass of wine with hubby and chat about his day!


but i think a few arguments/discussions here and there, i am really, really trying. and for the past few months (baby is now 10 months old), we go out when my parents can babysit. the next morning might be abit rough for us due to lack of sleep and baby gets up at 7am like clockwork but it's worth it. it's nice to dress up and have a nice meal, have a few drinks, without baby.


so i say before you start imagining the worst (wife wants to leave me now that i've built her a house, etc), maybe you just need to have a honest discussion with her. maybe she just needs to let go a little and needs some encouragement from hubby dearest. and if you do trust your maid 150%, i say go away with your wife for a nice holiday. or if you can afford it, bring everyone along but book yourself and wifey a room away from maid and baby.


and one thing, which my hubby is still struggling to do sometimes - he is great with baby, playtime, bathtime, etc....but sometimes what will be extra nice is if he does something without me asking. he would wake up for me to have a lie-in if i asked him, but i think what makes it extra special is if i wake up and i find he's already gotten up before me without me knowing, and is feeding baby, doing whatever.


good luck!

I agree with WM and all above.

Except for LW comment on feeling 'hot' during pregnancy, if she means sexy- not every woman feels this way - I didn't/don't - but I did after as I had lots of happy endorphins :) But when the tiredness kicks in again, forget it.


I have a 1 year old, work full time and am pregnant with number 2. I am EXHAUSTED.

My husband has been wonderfully patient (like you seem to be), and I really appreciate it - but I know I don't show it enough (okay, at all).


I totally understand your wife not wanting to leave the baby (lucky you to have a wife that puts baby in high priority unlike many others) - in that case, then yes, do make that suggestion to her. But don't be offended if she says no because she does not want to leave baby. If she says no, you could give her a gift certificate for the Mandarin or Hyatt spa, etc... in HK. The couples room at the Mandarin and at the I-Spa (intercontinental, tst) are great local getaways!


I also like the 'date night' suggestion, but remember, not too late as she might be tired! So you might make it an afternoon.


I also love the 'do things without being asked' like on a Sunday morning. My husband is always on Sunday morning duty and that extra sleep for me results in us having a nice afternoon together (with baby).


What about asking her for lunch once a week - either with or without baby? Would your work schedule permit it? One of my friends goes to bring baby to see hubby at work regularly, it sounds very nice to me and he loves showing off his beautiful wife and perfect daughter!


I also want to add, that since having the baby (and now being pregnant again) I can personally say that my self esteem is low and I do NOT feel sexy, I can't imagine how my husband would find me attractive.


While it sounds great to not have to work (I wish I didn't!!), maybe she needs something to boost her self esteem... what does she do all day? Does she exercise or yoga or volunteer? Or maybe a part time job? Something that is HERS, and not given from you might really help.


I really feel for you in this post, I think post-baby life is VERY VERY HARD for EVERY couple... and there is no perfect answer. But you have reached out here and are obviously caring and trying to help the situation.


Best of luck.

dear camping,

try to take a holiday with your family and bring your helper.

as for the dogs, there is a place that boards dogs.

i read about it a while ago. the man has a big house with a huge yard that the dogs can run around in.

he regularly takes the dogs for a long walk as well.

the dogs must be "social" and get along with other dogs.


your wife is probably too tired to concentrate on a "game".

why don't you try going to a spa together and then go for drinks or a coffee afterwards.

what did you like doing before you had a baby?


try to be patient.

things will be better especially once the child starts going to school. it will free up your wife's time and she will be less tired.


if your wife is too worried about leaving the dogs , if you can afford it, hire another helper.


good luck.

Okay, we are all trying to be positive and give positive suggestions...


Maybe LW is right and you should also take those steps as well to protect yourself...


But you might sleep better at night if you know you tried everything first, so that way if it does come to a negative ending, you know you tried.

Camping,


Good luck.


As you can see, we all have different personalities which will affect how we handle things. Mine and my sister's are different. She doesn't mind having a huge box full of unfold clothes and I don't mean a small box either, I mean one as big as two tv sets put together but she's okay with it. She doesn't mind not cleaning the floor saying that her dog licking up the food is good enough but I have to mop daily. She doesn't mind having her bathroom filled with three loads of laundry all the be done during the weekends but I have to do it every 2-3 days depending on what my baby has spilled and where, but at the end of the day, we only do the best of what we know how to do.


A compromise is needed when one is unhappy, I think this is important and it's something that I too need to sit and discuss with my hubby. A husband and a wife is meant to be a team and can figure things out.


Whether or not it is money scheming, I do not know, but I trust we all know our partners well to decide (or at least I hope we do).


In my case, definitely not a money scheming thing because with my career, I was earning twice more than my hubby. I gave it up and took on a lower paid job so I could spend time with my child.


F100 is right, it'll get better when your child starts school. Your wife will have more time to rest.

Camping,


Good luck.


As you can see, we all have different personalities which will affect how we handle things. Mine and my sister's are different. She doesn't mind having a huge box full of unfold clothes and I don't mean a small box either, I mean one as big as two tv sets put together but she's okay with it. She doesn't mind not cleaning the floor saying that her dog licking up the food is good enough but I have to mop daily. She doesn't mind having her bathroom filled with three loads of laundry all the be done during the weekends but I have to do it every 2-3 days depending on what my baby has spilled and where, but at the end of the day, we only do the best of what we know how to do.


A compromise is needed when one is unhappy, I think this is important and it's something that I too need to sit and discuss with my hubby. A husband and a wife is meant to be a team and can figure things out.


Whether or not it is money scheming, I do not know, but I trust we all know our partners well to decide (or at least I hope we do).


In my case, definitely not a money scheming thing because with my career, I was earning twice more than my hubby. I gave it up and took on a lower paid job so I could spend time with my child.


F100 is right, it'll get better when your child starts school. Your wife will have more time to rest.

Ok, i was sympathetic to campings thread, but hv just realised the child is 20 months old, i had two by that time and whilst it was tiring i got on with things.


Think what you should o, if it's really whay you want, is book a night at a local hotel, take her for dinner and then on to hotel. That way if anything is wrong with bubs you're not far away.


And finally, camping i really, really hate myself for thinking this, but has she got what she wanted (a baby) and now your surplus to requirements. She has her houses where she wants them, you've supplied her with a ready line of credit, are you just her meal ticket? Harsh and i don't like myself for it but you have to wonder.

Well, that's true that it will ease once the child starts school, but what's to stop it happening with any subsequent children? The spa idea is good, but I would suggest saving the airfare and looking locally. Low self-esteem is an issue, when you say she's shopping, do you mean she dolls herself up in the gear she buys, or is it all relegated to the back of the wardrobe while she slumps around in 3-day old t-shirts? If she's still taking care of her appearance, it could be a far trickier situation.....

A mother of a friend of mine asked me once, "Since you live away from your parents (they are in the US), does your mom call you everyday?" And I immediately replied, "No. She rarely calls me."

She said, "Oh. That means she has a really good relationship with your father - she doesn't need you to release her feelings." and I thought about it, and it is true.


Ultimately, for the overall health of your child, the parallel relationship (between you and your wife) is more important than the downward relationship (from you to your child.) Better marriages provide more stability for your child. If your wife cares as much as she says she does about your child, then she has to care as much about you - because it is to the child's detriment if you two do not make it as a couple.


A Pastor at ECC once told us that when he walks through the door, after a long day at work, working with his staff, different congregants, and whatever, the FIRST thing he does with his wife (and they have 3 adopted children of varying ages) is share 100 words together. The FIRST words are shared with his wife. Because - that sends an equally important message to his kids - your mom and I - we are a team, and we are stable. That in itself provides amazing balance between the two of them which allows them to share with their children.


I feel, and i'm not sure becuase I don't know you directly, but have seen this often, your wife is using the baby, the teddy bear, and the back turned as a way to avoid you. FOr whatever reason. As other posters have advised -you need to get to the bottom of her behavior. All her actions are just symptoms of the real problem.


good luck. My heart goes out to you...

camping, I feel for you.


You sound like you are really trying. As Wheelymate and some others have said, it is very difficult for some of us to leave our children with other people (me included). That, however is no excuse for the lack of respect that she shows you.


I realise that you have tried talking, but I think if you phrase it in the way that hkchoichoi suggested, you might be better able to assess what is driving her attitude. If she is genuinely interested in the welfare of your child above all else, emphasise how important your relationship with one another is to your child's happiness.


May I ask how long you'd been together before you had children? Does she leave your child with the helper when you go shopping etc? If so, she has no excuse not to do the same when you both go to dinner (when the baby is asleep) or to a couple's spa or whatever.


Speaking as someone who has never been separated overnight from my children (except when I was in hospital giving birth to my son), I think that going away for a few days together is too big a first step. After 4 years, my husband andI have still not slipped away for a romantic weekend, but it does not mean that we do not have our own time or regular conversations and special evenings out. I would definitely try something local first. Going away with both helper and child is another option, once you make sure that you have some time to yourselves. You could rent a small villa or interconnecting hotel rooms so that you are within arms reach of the child. The dogs are no excuse. OK, I do not have any, but I'm guessing that they are always outranked by the family unit.


It does not matter what option works, the aim to have some quality time together and to talk. Personally though, jumping on a plane and leaving my children in another country would be the worst way to expect me to relax.I do not want to be too negative or cynical, but you need to prove that you have tried everything as your defence in family court.


Even if she claims that she cannot relax being out for dinner, how about getting a room in a local hotel. Your helper could come and stay with the baby after she puts him/her to bed, then you go downstairs together for a long meal and a real conversation, knowing that you can run back upstairs in 2 minutes if needed. Your helper can go home to look after the dogs when you are finished dinner/drinks etc. This option also works if you have a suite and room service (even without a helper), and then the baby can sleep in the other room. Expensive, but still a lot cheaper than flying off somewhere, and it sounds as if you are prepared to try anything. Baby steps, hopefully romantic breaks will soon be on the cards.


Good luck! It sounds like you are going through hell and that she is not prepared to try. Respect and common courtesy are thre very least that you deserve. You need to prepare yourself though in case it becomes clear that she is just waiting for you to initiate a separation. Really hope that it does not come to that, but do try to protect yourself financially, it sounds as if you have written enough blank cheques. It may be worth getting sime advice from a family lawyer too. Take care.

Sorry Camping, but I have to agree with Lady Wolverine on this one. Your child is nearly 2, you have a helper, your wife hardly has a stressful or tiring life, and she obviously has plenty of energy for shopping.

It looks by your thread that she has got what she wanted, property and financial security for her family, and has given you a child, which means you have something out of the marriage.

I hope for your sake that we have read it wrong because you sound like a really nice guy, but I'm afraid its something you see in HK many times.

But whilst trying to protect yourself financially for the future, still aim for the nights out occassionally, and keep talking. I never want to leave my kids at night so I can understand that, but if your wife is happy leaving your child with the helper while she goes shopping with her friends then there is no excuse not to leave her to go out for a nice romantic dinner with you.

If it's all one-sided Camping, and you're getting nowhere with the conversations, what's your next course of action? How long can you put up with the situation? Does she understand the seriousness of it all?

Camping,


I feel for you.


Have read this thread several times over, and to be honest and brutal, I agree with Lady Wolverine and others of the same viewpoint. Other viewpoints have been helpful in trying to suggest a forum / situation where you both can talk and try to get some of the relationship going again, but to be honest, there really doesn't seem to be much point.

Not sure how what I can say isn't repeating other threads, but 'Older Asian Man Pulls Younger Gorgeous Asian Babe' is what happens time and time again here in Asia. And it nearly always ends in tears, and more recently if you read the press, sometimes murder!

Your wife is avoiding you - end of story. I understand that this whole issue is not about sex, but if she still loved you she would at least greet you warmly every day, want to spend time with you, and at least cuddle you in bed! I don't necessarily want to have sex with my husband every night but every night we cuddle each other to go to sleep and make an effort to even have dinner at home together so we can catch up on the days events. It seems fairly obvious to me that she does not want to be with you. The fact that she has a teddy in bed just screams 'leave me alone'. She wants to go back to her home country with a nice divorce settlement and house, possibly back to her 'old' boyfriend. The fact that she chooses not to work, has a helper and goes shopping quite happily makes me think that she thinks she has her cake now and just wants to eat it.

I would certainly have a discussion with a lawyer and see what you can do to stop her taking you to the cleaners. Harsh, you might say, but if she was prepared to marry you and have your baby, and yet seemingly not love you despite your best efforts, then don't be surprised at what she might do next. Protect yourself and also don't give her any ammunition to shoot you with!!

The biggest loser in all this is your child and your wife knows that it's the best bargaining tool in the divorce settlement. Very cruel but she doesn't sound a very nice person right now!

Sorry for the harshness but I've seen this happen too many times!

Camping, I'm afraid that I agree with LW too ... but I hope for your sake that we have misjudged your wife, because you sound like a really nice guy and don't deserve this. You need to get some answers, and you're only going to get those from your wife, not from this thread. One thing I would like to say though, is that it's about time you became a real man and insist that the teddy bear goes ... I can just imagine what my husband would say if I started to take a bear to bed! If she refuses to remove it from the bed chuck it out yourself tonight! Your wife's an adult and needs to act like one, not like a child. I hope you can sort this out between you.

Camping I agree with Sapphire, LW and Squiggles. This does not sound like post partum depression or anything a reasonable loving wife would do. I also think that deep inside you have also arrived at the same conclusion and were hoping against hope that there might be something else going on.


I hope for the baby's sake that it doesn't have a scheming mom and that there is indeed a really good reason for this behaviour. Nonetheless, please get all your ducks in a nice row with evidence of unreasonable behaviour and protecting your assets etc, and please do not give her any grounds to turn the tables on you.


Good luck!

Camping, appreciate you said thread closed, but i just want you to know i, and probably all the women here, feel for you.


I really wished there was a different ending but it looks like the inevitable has to happen.


Just remember, it wasn't you that did this to you, it was your wife, you sound like a really loving, trusting and loyal husband (just like mine and the type any other wife would love) and good luck.

I know the thread is closed but just to say I'm sorry it has to be this way for you. You sound like a loving and kind person and you deserve someone to love as much back. I hope you do find that in life.

Take care.

Camping, I am a latecomer here, and I reaslie you have closed this thread but if I may, I would like to tell you not to lose hope yet. This thread started 4 days ago and you mean to tell me you have tried EVERYTHING to save your marriage in a short FOUR days???? Come on....life doesn't operate that way, and you OWE it to, not your wife, but your toddler to save your family unit. There are so many divorces nowadays and it is because couples give up so easily. I implore you to be more patient in this matter, even if you have to endure your wife's unreasonable behaviour and nonsense for a longer time to come.


I am a mother of a 17 month old and yes, our sex life could be better - same old story, cos I am tired at the end of the day. But let you offer an alternative reason for why your wife might feel what she is feeling. For the good part of the first year after our child was born, I SET OUT to be nasty to my husband - I would find tiny faults in him, ignore him at night when he came close, etc. I did this because I have no other person to get mad with, as i was sooo resentful that I am stuck at home (it is the personal freedom that I lost so what if I have money, helper and new clothes), that I can no longer lead a carefree single life, that I can no longer fit into my size 23 pants, that I have to wake up every single night to feed/look at baby (while he snored happily away) etc. Even when I purposefully went shopping, met friends and spent lots of money to drown myself, guess what, the resentment and anger remained and even festered to a very very bad disease. Whenever he comforted me and tried to talk, I intentionally pushed him away as I felt he wasn't asking the right questions, he wasn't offering the right solutions, he was downright a pest for hovering me with his stupid suggestions (like what was he thinking offering me a holiday when he should know he couldn't take care of our child at night and the duty rested solely on me?) and his stupid moves (like coming into bed to hug/kiss me whenever HE wished when I would have liked, even craved for his affections during the non-bedtime hrs).


See, your wife could have issues with you that extended way into the past. She might be resentful towards you for something you did long time ago, but you two haven't resolved. Think hard - did you have issues with her during her pregnancy eg you were away from extended time? or even before marriage?


Talk, talk and more talking with her, camping. You have to be the stronger one and pester her non-stop until you get out of her what is really bothering her. She is likely angry and close mouth for a while, or say "nothing is wrong" to everything you ask (I certainly did), so be patient and keep trying. She just wants you to suffer, you know, esp if she is the strong-willed, feisty type. She might surprise you by saying unexpected things like - I just want you to hug me 1 minute every few hrs during the days you are not working just to show you are thinking of me and not sex; I just want small gestures like a chocolate slice waiting for me in the fridge just to show you care; you don't even suggest the word sex unless I turn and touch you in bed even if you have to wait 6 mths for me to be ready and therefore would enjoy sex to the max (meanwhile you go solo); you surprise me one day by not just offer but actually bring our child down to Pacific Coffee while I have me time doing whatever I wish without having to worry abt child at the back of my mind.


Camping, if you tried all these and more, for a good 6 months solid and your wife still doens't change, then I would say thumbs up to you, forget about her as she is no longer in love with you (or likely not love you at the first place), and the mommies in this forum would surely introduce their single girlfriends to you. You have then done your best and can walk away from this marriage, but hopefully maintain a relationship with your child.


You mentioned you were divorced once. May I ask if this also coincided with arrival of children? Could you be making the same mistakes this time round? men and women are truly from different worlds is it conceivable you, as well as thousands of men out there, don't know how to deal with women?


Good luck and please don't give up hope. Your child really needs a father in his/her life and neither do you wish to miss out on his/her growing up, esp when they reach the cutest age of 3 to 4 when they learn to chit-chat with you, hug/kiss you...

Sorry, camping, I honestly didn't realise my response was negative or suggestive that you are not a caring husband. My intention was truly to comfort you, which I obviously didn't do a good job at. In fact I DO think you are a nice, loving man and husband or you wouldn't have started this thread for advice. I feel really really bad that I am not coming across the right way, and that I was being insensitive. It bothered me tremendously that I didn't word my response properly.


I am sorry once again for all that I said and caused. Good luck... and please accept my sincere apologies ... closed.

2 houses as gifts?now ignoring you? classic case of getting $$ from you and now lost interest.Sounds like my ex-wife, dude


What with you working 6 days a week and 14 hr days, hardly any time left to babysit/clean/cook?Mummybee is right, more likely wifey is pissed off you are not home.You need to adjust work to better suit family.Consider that?

Don't worry Camping, plenty of nice single girls out there. Next time you'll find a really nice one, I know, I'm psychic!


Third time lucky. Go! Go! Go!

Hi Matches - Can you read my future too? : )

Wow, I feel for you camping........and I don't think there is any excuse for sex and intimacy going out the window. Sorry for all those who are exhausted etc etc. I had two under two and we still had a rocking sex life and still do. Mostly cause sometimes I make a decision to put mine and my husbands needs above our kids sometimes. Way I see it he's the one I'm going to live with forever and our kids will be loved cared for trained up and taught while they are with us for 18 years but I want them to see a marraige that has love and passion in it to give them hope of having something so special for themselves.

I would say her first problem is a cultural one that is common here putting baby to bed sooo late. I put the kids to bed between 7 and 8pm, as studeis prove it is better for them in the long run to learn to fall asleep early before they get totally exhausted. Then we have a few hours together everynight to hang.


I'm sorry but your wife sounds very selfish, if she has a helper looking after one baby IS NOT THAT HARD!! My goodness get a grip women all over this world look after 4 or 5 or more without collapsing and dying. And without helpers I may add!

Lots of women here are very busy and working and being mums so full credit to them, but come on a stay home mum with 1 baby and a helper??

sounds to me like Lady Wolverine might have hit the nail on the head for at least some of it.


And sex after babies is waaay more enjoyable for most of my women friends so there should be more incentive.

Since being here I have had conversations with a lot of immature women who have one baby and then pout about not having a social life or the independence they once had.

I'm 27 married with two kids have lived in three countries and am shocked how immature women of my age are here, totally spoiled by their parents and no idea about the joy of doing something that is bigger than just serving yourself.

oops sorry the thread was closed....I was skim reading some comments my bad.