Relationship help

My hubby and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. We met in Sydney and dare I say he was extremely caring and was always there for me.


He has a family business here in HK/China so after we got married, I came to HK with him. Initially, when he moved back here, he was based in HK and only went to China occasionally. This was fine with me.


Two years later, his occasional China trips became 6 days a week, with him only coming home to us every alternate nights.


Then in the past year, his mother decided to purchase another land (factory) further away in China and now he is only coming home twice a week.


I feel so alone here. We live so far from the expat community (we're in Sheung Shui for his China travels) and although I do have friends here, I feel so alone in bringing up our daughter.


I have to work, because his salary can only cover our mortgage (we live in a 699 square foot apartment in Sheung Shui, so we're not living lavishly) and I feel guilty also for not being there for my daughter. Sometimes I'm angry too because despite his absences, I see no reward for it.


To make matters worse, I have a competitive sister in law and I have to see my inlaws every time he comes home. We'll be there from 8pm (when he comes home) till 10pm and then after we get home, it's just the usual getting ready for bed (plus I need to put my little girl to sleep). He has a mother who constantly tells me what to do with my daughter and overrules my decisions.


I feel so depressed and lost here in HK. I tried to talk to him and confronted him a day ago but he just got angry and said that I wanted a richer life but I don't do much at work like I used to (the simple reason for that is I try to come home for lunch and leaves work on time to see our daughter).


I said to him that I know he is stuck because the family business is important to him but that he should try to support me or treat me well too. He doesn't. And on Sundays when he is home, he just expects me to do everything with our daughter. Sometimes I don't see him on Sundays becuase his mum has things she wants him to do - like go to China. So two weeks ago, I didn't see him for 9 days and I was alone because our new helper had not arrived.


He would sometimes comment that looking after our little girl is easy so I left him with her one Sunday to go out with friends. I came home and he said, "It's not hard".


After our talk (and argument), the next day he treated as if nothing had happened.


He would tell me also that this is China and this is normal.


I don't think I could suggest counselling because he's just not for it.


I really don't know how to make things work. If somewhere out there can help me put things into perspective, whether I'm being too hard on him or suggest some ways of improvement, please do because I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm breaking down.


Thank you.

While in Sydney independent, your hubby is now back in this typical family tradition here. Especially with family business involved! There is almost no way out for him unless he wants his parents against him. I have a friend she is in exactly the same situation but before raising her priorities to her parents, she "prefers" to suffer. She said to me "You know how it is in our culture". Yes, basically I know but could not accept it for myself. Different culture and for your hubby, who knows very well the conflict, a very difficult situation. Or do you have the feeling he is happy with what he is doing? Try to be understanding with his/these family issues and tell him ! However don't forget your own goals which you might achieve with a bit (even) more patients step by step and in a subtle way. Good Luck !

It appears that you are having to sacrifice alot. It must be highly frustrating to give so much and get nothing back from him. Does it bother him that hes away? Does he see it as a sacrifice? There should be some comprimise and not only on your part- or it just isn't a marriage. You deserve no less than what you want- you have control over your own life- don't let someone else have control over your happiness. I would say counselling would be helpful, but the problem is getting a man there. Depending on how serious this is to you, an ultimatum might be called for. Depends whether you can continue to live your life this way- and by the sounds of it, you don't want to.

I too have a couple of friends in similar situations, although both were born in HK and raised overseas. Both married overseas to seemingly open, westernised men who reverted to the traditional Chinese family way of doing things on return to HK. Both ladies struggle with their mothers-in-law and other in-laws. One got a slight "reprieve" when she gave birth to a son but the tug of war (it's not a tug of love) continued when the mother-in-law felt her son was spending too much time with his son instead of her.


I would not presume to give you suggestions about how to help your relationship, there are many layers to your problem that I believe you need professional help. Let me suggest a place that can offer you that help.


Soultalk offers counselling for women in relationship crises. It is confidential (it has a hotline so if you want you can just speak rather than have a face to face chat) and free. Please take a look to see if it can help you.


http://www.soultalk.org/



BTW, I have no personal or professional connection with Soultalk.

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