How to handle this behaviour

1) My little girl (2.5 years old) kicks off her shoes in public when she's angry or can't get things her way. She does this on the train and I get stared at whatever I do to handle the situation. Can anyone recommend something?


2) My little girl plays up at mealtimes. She would not sit still to finish up her lunch/dinner. She'll spit her food or walk around. I've been very strict at insisting that she sits at the table. When she doesn't do as she's asked, I usually put her in the naughty corner. She gets up countless of times and I would put her back there. I'm constantly raising my voice (I wonder if yelling is more appropriate) for her to get back to her corner and often saying, "Don't you dare move".


However all of these events make me feel so helpless as a mother and guilty for screaming. I just don't know how else to handle it.


Even simple things like when I tell her not to hit and she'll continue if she doesn't get things her way and sometimes I resort to hitting her on her hand because I cannot take it anymore.


I'm concerned that by hitting her hand or screaming at her, that may give her the message that violent or screaming is acceptable. I try not to but it's sooo hard to discipline.


Yesterday after her dinner battle, I was sooo distraught that I left my inlaws place without her. My little girl ran after me with her shoes but I was so furious that I couldn't even calm down for the next one hour. I don't know if it was her or the anger I felt was directed at my mother in law who told me that I was too harsh on my little girl and told my little girl I was wrong (in front of my little girl).


I've read many books on disciplining but I really don't know how to apply them in situations where my toddler is impossible.


Any advice?

I alway ignored my kids tantrums and they didn't last very long. I would pick up her shoes and ignore her, I would take her by the hand to get off the train but I wouldn't give eye contact - stay calm!!


With issue number 2 I would give 2 verbal warnings then on the third time I would remove her food and throw it in the bin - stay calm, don't say anything (hard I know!!)


There would be no snacks in between meals except a small piece of fruit and a drink of water. Then the same at the next meal, toss the food if she doesn't behave well.


If she still continues playing up at meal times I'd cut out the fruit snack as well.


And I'd probably avoid your MIL! LOL


Good Luck!

Have you tried reading supernanny? I watched her on telly last night and she's brilliant and she's got a book on common challenges with toddlers.

I put our son in his bedroom to have his tantrum alone without an audience. He is the most attention seeking creature I have ever met! And they have almost stopped, he is now 2 and 9 months and hoping we are coming out the other end of it. I don't have a nuaghty corner because it is too difficult to mange having him in the same room as me if he is screaming. I follow the super nanny on a lot of things too.

I feel so bad for you having that happen with your mother in law. That is the worst thing she could do to you and to your daughter in that moment.

Whatever and however you do discipline one thing is certain, adults need to give the person doing it grace and support because it is such hard work raising strong willed kids!

MayC, I am in exact position as you. My daughter is 3 years old. It's never peace and quiet at home, every task or routine is a battle. I finally gave up. I tried hitting her hand... even that phase is over, she laughs when I hit her hand. She sticks out her hand to let me hit, then no response from her, (like, "are you done?) ... then she walks away. Time out is no use anymore. She finds ways to entertain herself while standing in the corner, like playing with her hair, breathing on the glass to make words, playing with her fingers.... etc.


Now, I tried new method. It works. I just ignore her when she does naughty things, or things that go against what I asked. It seems to work , and I feel much better. I hate screaming, yelling.... my blood pressure goes up, guilty feelings, resentment ....


So agree with all that is posted above. No attention at all to those behaviours, should subside.... good luck to both of us!

I've had a similar problem with my son since he was 2 years old, & he is now 6! Temper tantrums, not doing what's asked, wanting his own way etc.


I tried ignoring the outbreaks, putting him in the 'time-out' room, made threats to send him to boarding school, punishing him by taking away his favorite things & so on. All to no avail.


My pead. referred us to see a child behavioural doctor to assess if there could be anything causing such agressive & fiery behaviour.


We'll make the appointment & see what the doc has to say.


Will keep you all posted on the advice given.

HI Vagabond,


Good luck with your appointment. One thing you might consider when making threats - don't use them unless you really mean it (were you really going to see to send your child to boarding school?)


You have to work out what matters to your child, does you child have a best friend who he plays with? Make playdate arrangements and if he doesn't behave cancel the playdate. Get him where it hurts! Cancel a trip to Disneyland, access to the computer, gameboys.


Reward good behaviour, WOW "Tom" you've been so good this week (use a star chart) let's go and have a treat - a movie, small item from Toys R Us.


Comment about how good he was eating his dinner - getting ready for bed, make him feel good about himself, it can often work a treat!

Thanks everyone for your replies.


I think I'll go with your suggestions @@ and see how that works.


For 1) I think you're right. If I just carry her shoes and act as if I'm not affected by it, she's going to think it's boring. But then do I let her walk home barefooted? I was going to do that but hubby said it was dangerous to walk barefooted and put her shoes back on. Maybe I should just go against hubby and really let her walk barefooted so that she'll feel uncomfortable and will want her shoes. If not, then maybe I should just let her go barefooted everywhere until she learns.


2)Your second suggestion is the best thing to do I know... sometimes I get worried that she's not eating enough so I force her to sit down for her meals and finish them. But you're right, maybe if she protests against eating, the only way to teach her is to let her go hungry.


So painful to be a parent sometimes.... And for all the efforts we put in, knowing that one day they will grow up and leave us..... but it's all worth it.


Vagabond and Katetam, good luck too. Katetam, the things you've said about your daughter and what you've done to discipline her..... I find myself nodding in agreement because I've done exactly the same. Vagabond, I've threaten mine too like saying, "Okay, if you continue to do that, you are not coming with me to the supermarket". She grinned and said, "Okay". I left and found her playing happily when I got home (even after she told me specifically that she wanted to go to the supermarket). I've even bribed her with chocolates... "Finish your dinner and you can have a chocolate". At the end, she gets four with three eaten with her meal because she wouldn't sit still otherwise.


I hate to imagine what I've got coming in the next few years. Children are smart, they know how to manipulate their mummies but it's funny how in the past, we always believed our mummies know it all and now that we're at that stage, we realise how hard it is with each decision we make and how lost we can be.


But will try your suggestion @@ and see how it goes.


Cara, you're right, naughty corner only works if it's under control... but the thing is, I don't know how to get it under control. I haven't watched Supernanny in ages but what does she say about making it work? Do you stay in the corner with the kid when she's fighting to leave? Do you hold her down? And what do you do if she thinks it's funny that you are sitting at the corner with her and she pretends to punish you instead?


Okay, I'm gonna try what I've said and as suggested by @@ and will update you on Monday as to whether or not it works.


Thank you.

MayC -


my daughter at one point was STRIPPING NAKED (she wasnt just 25 months old - and could take off every stitch of clothing) as her protest. (my husband wondered if she was headed for UC Berkeley.) At one point, in a restaurant, she was mad because we didnt' let her climb on the table and so she took off all of her clothes - because she realized it got our attention very quickly. But when we figured out that she knew it got our attention -well - let's just say we had quite a few naked moments in public. But it slowly became more infrequent as it subsided.


I find that when I yell or lose my temper, so does my daughter. I know hitting isn't the way either, because she would love the chance to hit back. I use time outs everywhere - in a low, firm voice - I give her a time out in the restaurant or whereever I am. If she doesn't do it, I have to go back and keep her to do it. She began to understand that it was what was required and then became better.


I was CONVINCED my daughter was the only one, and so I took her to a pediatric psychiatrist - whose words were, "she is so normal with a few learned behaviors." Behaviors that I was teaching her with my reactions.


So - watch yourself was the first lesson that I learned. Was I getting upset when she got upset - YES, and that escalated the behaviors. Was I ignoring her original call for attention, which was a lot less disruptive than the actual tantrum? YES - so I tried to pay closer attention to her so that she would have me when she needed me.


Good luck. They don't come with an instruction book, so we do all of our learning when we can.